2010

Kind of hard to sum up 2010. The first half was honestly the best 6 months of my entire life. The last 6 have been the worst. I guess going on that mentality, it was just an ok year if you average them out. The first half taught me a lot about myself, what I am capable of, what I am meant to be. It felt natural to be in a relationship. It felt like that's how I should be living my life. I know you can't force it, and I know it's a two way street.

The Holiday season is especially hard. I love Christmas time and spending it with my family and friends. This year is different though. I almost just want to skip it. Last year's Christmas was by a land slide my favorite Christmas of all time. Better than when my parents got me Nintendo. I got to spend it with someone I loved, and to show her a loving family in return was greater than anything I'd ever been a part of in my entire life.

The past 6 months have been the hardest of my life. I still have sleepless nights, I still think about her, I still dream of laying on the couch with her under a blanket. I know it sounds ridiculous, but 6 months later, I still yearn for what we had. I thought we were getting so much stronger and the prospects we had for the future were limitless. I'd never imagined it would end that way, and I honestly don't think I'll ever be able to accept that. But, the only thing I can do is try to move on and take it a day at a time.

Initially, I told myself after 6 months - roughly the start of 2011, I wanted to be free and clear of her. I now realize that's just not possible. It honestly boils down to finding someone else. Seeing if I can experience something greater than I had with Alexis. That way I can be "shown" that there might be someone better for me out there, not just going off of some false hope.

After all is said and done, I wouldn't erase our relationship to erase the pain of heartbreak. She opened me up to feelings and thoughts I only thought I was capable of. 2010 was certainly a year I'll remember for a long time.

Updates

Date night with Julie was great. We met up at about 7:30 and went out to Luna's in NoVA. Turns out, we shut the place down at 10. I feel like that's a good sign! I think we are going to meet up for another date before we have the Santa party at Mike's place on the Thursday before Christmas. I'd like to get another date in there so we can click some more. We'll see where this takes us...who knows. I mean if it turns in to something, great. If not, then that's ok too. I have fun hanging out with her. That's all that matters for now.

Down to 224 at the gym from a high of 253. My goal is 199. I know the "number" doesn't mean anything, body fat percentage, muscle mass, all that really matters more. I really don't care if I lose all the muslce mass that I've tried so hard to gain over the years. I just want to feel "slim". I am taking the week off from running though, I felt like my knees were really starting to lag behind. Hopefully this will rejuvinate me and remotivate me for that half marathon in May.

JJ told me on Friday that Katie is pregnant with their second kid. I'm very happy for them. They are great parents and I know another addition to the family will be fantastic. I'm predicting boy, they don't want to know until the kid pops out. I don't think I could handle that, I'd want to know asap.

HATE COMCAST

Just wrote a huge post, but of course Comcast made FireFox crash - so it's gone.

Cliffs:
- Alexis has a new bf
- She apparently got in to an accident and her car is smashed up
- Used to live the crazy life style before me, got in to accidents, same thing happening again
- Karma is a bitch, bitch
- GOOD. Eff her. Glad I have something to get angry and build hate on
- Eff her bf who was probably in her ear the whole time we were dating and I didn't go skydiver with her
- Met a girl named Julie, hung out a few times in a group setting
- Got a date with her next week, just us
- Very excited
- Makes me smile to think someone else is showing interest in me

Good News I Guess?

Starting off with yesterday. We did the running club again and I ran about a 6k (~4 miles). I felt ok, but it is starting to get cold and I just flat out cannot run in the cold. I am hoping to ramp up my running at the gym over the next few months so that I really can do this half marathon in May. I tweaked my shoulder somehow yesterday morning when I woke up. It doesn't really feel like a muscle issue, more like a bone bruise. So tomorrow I am going to skip the shoulder workout and try and run 6 miles at the gym. It'll be good to throw in a shock to the system considering I haven't run more than 4 in a LONG time. My goal is between 54 and 60 minutes (9 or 10 minute mile). I'd honestly be shocked if I got closer to 54 than 60.

On to the good news. I saw Alexis at the gym and we obviously didn't talk. Of course it was awkward considering we were working out kind of close today. The good news is that I've had more of the "eff you" feelings. Like when I look at her I just think "Eff you". Eff you for putting me through what you did. I forgot what my train of thought was at the time, but immediately after I was thinking about her, I had a reaction of "Maybe we are better apart". It was one of those involuntary thoughts that comes out of nowhere. I know this is weird, but I can honestly remember the ONE other time that has happened - about a month ago. I guess that is good that it happened again? Who knows. Like I've said before, I'll never be "happy" that it ended. No matter what I do, I just can't imagine a scenario that I come to peace with.

Even after having those hateful thoughts, I still get the occasional "I wish I still had her" thoughts. So weird to go back and forth like this. My brain is tired of this run around. I just wish I could come to grips with it, some how, some way.

It's been over 4 months now, and I still think about her a lot. A lot. I know this is probably normal, but I just never imagined myself never speaking to her again. If you think about it - that is typical from a broken relationship point of view, I've just never gone through it. I honestly don't think any of my friends know me like she did. Bizarre bizarre feelings. The one thing I DO know is that I am tired of this confusion, this terrible feeling, this constant battle in my head. I just have no idea how to solve it.

Tuesday = Running Club

Today will be the third week in a row that I've been a part of this running club in Northern VA. Around 100 or so people meet up and run 3-4 miles, then end at a bar for happy hour. I usually just have one beer and then roll out. Mike, Kim and Kim's friend Tonja convinced me to do it. It helps because I can crash at Mike and Kim's and not kill myself on the commute.

Mike was nice enough to go in to work early so that he can get home by the time I get out of work. The reason he did that is because if I move my shift later - my morning commute becomes a nightmare. It was already starting to get backed up this morning on the way in at 6am. I definitely appreciate him doing that for me.

We are also going to start up the Harry Potter movies. My sister has all of them so far (first 6), so she lent them to me. I've seen the first two, but Mike and Kim haven't. Since my commute is so long, I've been listening to audio books and the Harry Potter series is riveting. The guy who narrates (Jim Dale) has won awards for his reading. I've listened to a few other books like The Firm by John Grisham. The narration was dull and the narrator used practically the same voice for everyone. Jim Dale uses a different voice for every single speaking character (250+). So that just adds to how great the books already are. I've finished the first 3 and started the 4th of 7 this morning. The 4th book (Goblet of Fire) is 17 CD's, so that might take a while.

Still kind of blah about the whole Alexis thing from last week. I am excited at the idea of meeting someone new, I just hope that person changes my life for the better like she did. I hope that that individual makes me a happier person like she did. I have no idea what to expect. I do know that I am not forcing anything and I am not pressing myself and worrying about the future. Whatever happens, happens. I'm not sitting here worried to death that I'll never meet someone else. That is basically the last thought on my head. Today will be fun, that's what I am focusing on right now.

Friends

I really am lucky to have my friends. I think about it all the time. I can't imagine what kind of person I would be without my friends. I wouldn't trade them for anything.

Today started off pretty good. Normal day, commute, work, commute, gym. I saw Alexis at the gym, no looks, no words, no nothing. Not that I want that stuff, but it just hurts even seeing her. No idea why. It shouldn't hurt because she killed me. I should be angry at that. I should look at her and get sick that she'd do that to me. I can't explain why I feel what I feel. It just "is". The fact that she just clicked it off without any second thoughts....I don't understand it and I never will. Just seems like a bad dream. Sometimes it seems like I am waiting for some fairy tale ending. I don't know what that is. I hate waking up alone and thinking about what I used to have. I know someday it will be different, I just wasn't ready for that part yet.

I am feeling super down - like, how can she not want to be with me? Is being alone better than being with me? Seriously? That doesn't make any sense at all and it hurts me. A lot. Considering I thought I changed her life for the better since day 1. We became best friends and just the abrupt cut off...I just can't explain it. I know things could be worse. We could've been married, had a kid, I could have some terminal illness, etc. These were the cards I was dealt. I understand that. I have to learn to deal with life. I get that. I really do.
Kid Cudi has a new album coming out. I listened to the whole thing, and shocker, one of the songs hit me like a ton of bricks. It honestly leaves me breathless sometimes. I know that is corny to say and probably doesn't even make sense to anyone but me, but it is true. I listed to this song and these lyrics and it just hits home. Just beautifully composed. Take a listen.

Kid Cudi - All Along:


These lyrics:
"All alone all along.
I guess I'm meant to be alone,
up there on my own"

I don't think I am meant to be alone. I've known that ever since I was interested in girls. Ever since I can remember actually. My personality, my being, my everything is meant for a relationship. But maybe I AM meant to be alone right now? I'm not one to sit here and say fate this, fate that, but maybe in the end I'll be with someone better? Hard to think of it in terms of someone "better" because right now, I've never met anyone better than her. I don't think I'll ever be "thankful" it ended this way. I don't think I'll ever look back and say "what was I thinking?". It happened and now it is over, it is history. I just have to come to grips with that. Unfortunately I don't think it'll ever be closed because I don't think I will ever understand what happened. It will always be a "what if" in the back of my head.

Anyway, Mike called me and asked how I was doing. Out of the blue, like he knew I'd be having a rough time. I was just sitting in my apartment, fiddling with my phone, doing laundry, etc. Somehow he always knows what to say. He's never bashed her, never been crude to me in the sense of telling me to suck it up. Without ever knowing it, he's said all the right things. He's listened when I want to talk, talked when I wanted to listen. I thank whatever scenario that led us to be best friends. That will never change.

Fun Weekend

For my birthday on Friday, JJ, Paul, Mike and Kim came up to my apartment. We went out to the bar across the street from my apartment complex and had a few drinks. After that we came back to my place and stayed up until about 2:30 or 3 just hanging out and having fun. It was a great end to the night, that's for sure.

Mike, Kim and JJ all spent the night and the next morning we all got up early to start the weekend. JJ and I drove up to his sisters house so we could ride up to the Penn State game together. Me, JJ, Leslie and her husband Jason all went up to the PSU vs. Northwestern game at 3:30. Joe Paterno was going for his 400th win so it was quite exciting. Penn State started off the game down 21-0. We all thought the game was over. We scored a quick TD to end the half and then poured it on in the second half and won 35-21. It was incredible. Great game, great night. We drove home and didn't get back until around 11:30ish. I spent the night at my parents house so we could have my "birthday dinner" today.

My sister and her boyfriend Patrick, as well as my Grandparents came over to eat lunch with us. It was very nice of all of them to come over and celebrate with me. I am lucky to have such wonderful friends and family. I am trying to clean up some stuff around the apartment and just relax a little before the next work week starts.

I am anxious to hit the gym again on Monday. I let myself have a free weekend to eat and drink whatever I wanted without keeping track. Once Monday hits I will be back on track with everything diet wise. I've never really been able to get a good hold on going to the grocery store on a consistent basis. It seems like I go about twice a week because it is too hard to time everything. Tomorrow after the gym I'll need to go again so that I don't have to go out to eat at work.