The Ex...

I might as well explain everything that happened with my ex-girlfriend since that is what is bringing me down. This is going to be a long post, I want to get all the history out so if I reference it later, it'll all make sense.

It all started a few years back. I started working at Wells Fargo in February of 2006. I had never had a serious, legit relationship and really didn't know any better. I knew I wanted one, because I am not the type to just randomly hook up. Alexis was hired and started on my team in the summer of 2007. I was always attracted to her and we were very good friends at work. She came to me with questions about the job often and we talked a lot and were flirty, but nothing really more. There were a few things about her past that I didn't really agree with, and quite frankly, didn't think we had the same goals in life.

Fast forward to the summer of 2008. We had known each other for a year or so and in the earlier parts of the year - she and Tim were starting to get together. Tim decided that it wasn't in his best interests and they somewhat "broke up". Alexis kind of took me down with the ship since Tim and I were friends. I was sort of the innocent bystander, but in her eyes, somewhat of a cohort. Our team split up and split buildings in Columbia. Tim and I happened to stay together, and Alexis went back to our old building. That's when things really started to pick up between us.

She would constantly ask me to hang out - but I always managed to come up with an excuse. She somewhat intimidated me since she had lived alone since she was 18, had tattoos, and was her own woman. Meanwhile, I lived at home, had no debt, saved a ton and honestly, was pretty much oblivious to the "real world". Tim also "warned" me that the bars she hung out at were not for "us". Meaning, the more straight-edge, Miller Lite type guys. That kind of freaked me out for a bit too. (Turns out that was not the case, but at the time, how did I know?) The other big hang up for me was the fact that she lived in the city and if I were to go out and have a few drinks - I couldn't just up and drive an hour back to my parents house. So I would have to sleep at her place. Very much accelerating any sort of relationship.

For months we continued to flirt and she continued to ask me out. I somehow managed to evade any sort of commitment, but still maintain the flirty/friendship type relationship. I still liked her as a friend, but wasn't convinced we should be dating. Some time in November of 2008, I caved. We went out to dinner and a movie and it was fantastic. I spent the night at her place and everything was just fine. She didn't make any awkward advances to make me feel uncomfortable, and it didn't feel weird at all to stay over. The date could not have gone better, and honestly it just eased a lot of my concerns.

We went out about once a week for maybe a month or two. Honestly, I still wasn't 100% convinced she wanted a serious boyfriend, so I tried to take things REALLY slowly. This caused a lot of frustration from Alexis, and me too for that matter. But, looking back, I KNOW I was not ready to just jump in gung ho and not look back. Around January of 2009, we had our first "fight". I told her I couldn't keep going down the way we were going because A) Her past. Had she changed? Was that "her"? I still wasn't sure. B) The fling with Tim. Do you want to date someone your friend has dated? Not really. C) I didn't know what she REALLY wanted. That argument seemed to sort of reset things back to square one.

Looking back, although we were never "official", I considered us dating at that point. Like legitimate boyfriend and girlfriend. We still hung out a lot. I still slept over at her place a lot, although nothing ever happened between us during that time. We starting to hang out more and more and my feelings continued to grow, I just didn't know if that was what I wanted.

Another month or two went by and I was in Vail, CO on a ski trip. I ended up borderline tearing my MCL in my knee and was forced to sit on the couch for the remainder of the week. Alexis and I were still talking a lot - we were just both very confused. Well, fortunately, and unfortunately, something came up that brought us a lot closer.

A little background - she has never gotten along with her family, especially her Dad. I am ok with that, it stinks, but you don't HAVE to be friends with or love your family. Alexis got dealt a bad hand in regards to family in life, but she handled it better than I think I could have. She put herself through college and did everthing on her own after High School. That was a very big part of herself and I could not have had more respect for her for going through all of that. She would still talk to her siblings and Mom, but it only seemed like a formality for the most part.

When I was in Vail in March of 2009, her brother tried to take his life. He had just had a kid and was confused and thought that would be an easy way out. Alexis was distraught. She called me crying every day and I did my best to talk her through it. Of course, with her bad luck, she totaled her car while visiting her brother that weekend. This didn't help things at all as you can imagine. I felt like she was leaning on me more and more and needed that "go to" person. That's when things clicked for me. Before when it seemed like she was Ms. Independent, I didn't feel needed, that's why I was so slow and cautious to start a relationship. After those trying times for her and we talked basically all day, every day for a week, I felt like she was "ready" for a true relationship. Shortly thereafter, it was "official" and I never looked back.

I put trust in her even in situations that made me uneasy. I was constantly worried that she'd do something that I would disagree with, but never let her know that. I kept my jealously under wraps and never spoke a word of it, because I wanted her to think she still had her independent side. I didn't want her to think I was totally controlling or something. I'm not going to get in to any of the arguments we had, maybe later, instead I just want to skim over the rest of the relationship.

I had the time of my life. I fell head over heels and was madly in love with her. We were so different, yet deep down I felt like we were the same. I LOVED that aspect. I LOVED how different we were on a lot of things. She challenged me constantly and I could not get enough. She's very smart and VERY attractive. She has 1,000 qualities that I love. Getting to sleep in the same bed with her and fall asleep was flat out, the greatest feeling I've ever had in my entire life. We fit perfectly. There were/are SO many things, so many SMALL things, that I've never seen someone do that made my day so much. When we would make plans and she would want to hang out, I always thought to myself "oh my gosh, YES, I am so excited that she wants to spend time with me!!".

Obviously she is the first woman I have ever fallen in love with, but it seemed so much deeper than that. Marriage freaked both of us out, so it was never brought up. I don't think either of us had an exact clear view of what the other person wanted and that was totally fine. Sure it would need to be brought up at some time, but if we both didn't want it, why bother discussing it? I didn't view this as a relationship weakness, rather a strength since we were on the same page.

We skated along for pretty much another year and a half. Each day better than the last. The arguments became few and far between. I felt like I knew her, but she still surprised me a lot which I adored. She still had that little kid in her that melted my heart. We could sit on my couch and watch TV and I wouldn't want to be any other place in the world. Just being able to look in to her eyes and smile was the greatest privilege I've ever had. She just made me happy. I thought I had everything in this world that anyone could want. An incredible family and upbringing, great friends, $100k in the bank before I was 27, I drive a sweet car, I have funny hobbies, what else could I want? She trumped all of that. I went from being the most diehard Penn State football fan to it not mattering at all. I'd rather be with her than go to a game. She made all of those things better when she was there. My parents loved her. She is fascinating to talk to. She was everything I had ever wanted.

Sure we had our differences, some major, but it never seemed to matter. I always envisioned them working out through some sort of compromise. I never worried about the bad stuff because things have always panned out for me and why would this be different?

Out of the blue in late June, 2010, we broke up. I needed to run some errands and she came along. On the drive home - she broke down. She said she didn't know what she wanted from life, didn't know if we wanted the same things, didn't know this, didn't know that. This hit me like a ton of bricks. Imagine your best friend saying they don't want to talk to you again, but couldn't really give you a reason why? You want to talk about stuff and make it work - but their mind was already made up. How insignificant would you feel? How used would you feel? I felt like some science project she had been working on and the deadline had just hit. Some freak experiment, that in the end meant nothing to her. It hurts worse than anything I felt felt in my almost 29 years on this planet. It's been closing in on four months and I still think about her constantly. I haven't had a solid nights sleep in months, I'm forgetful, I'm not myself, I'm different. I don't like who I am right now. I want a girlfriend for sure, but I wanted HER. And right now, that's just not possible because apparently she doesn't want me. It's been a month and a half since I've even seen or heard from her and the whole thing is just bizarre. It's like it didn't even happen.

There are a million more stories about the relationship that I am sure I will get in to later, but I wanted to get all of that out. I miss her so much. I try to tell myself to get over it and my brain knows to do that and to head in the right directin, but my heart is light years behind. The thought of her, the image of her smiling face, the clumsiness, the relationship I thought we had....haunts me. I think about it dozens of times a day. Each and every time I try to think of things we disagreed on, but it doesn't seem to help. Sometimes I imagine some story-book ending, others (and mostly) I see it heading the way it is now - just off in to oblivion. Both hurt. Everything hurts. I feel like not only was I dumped, but I was just left at a bus stop while she drove away. It's not like she broke my heart, it's worse, it's her just looking me in the eye and dropping my heart in a trash can and turning her back. There are times where I almost wish she just cheated on me so I had SOMETHING to get angry about. Something to sink my teeth in to. But I have nothing. All I have is the "idea" that she doesn't want me. The "idea" that she went from what I thought was as in love with me as I was with her - to the exact opposite. The fact that she didn't even respect me enough to try and talk through it.

Bottom line is, it is four months later and I can't get her out of my head. Is another girl the answer? Doesn't seem like it. Is she the answer? Probably not. I don't think I could take her back because - how could I ever trust her to not put me through what she just put me through again? I have no idea. There are times I just want to see her and talk to her, but then there are times where I think that will just hurt even more. She meant the world to me and all of a sudden in one fell swoop, it's gone. My heart is broken and I think I still have a long road ahead of me. I'm trying, I really am, but I've never been more stressed in my life. Especially considering I've started a new job, with a terrible commute, and the holiday's are coming up. My birthday, Thanksgiving, Christmas - all of those were the first time I had spent them with someone I was in love with and I only got to do it for one year. I don't have that anymore this year and it is the worst feeling in the world. I don't want to be me right now. I want to just not exist for a few months, have someone run my life, and then hop back on board a few months from now when I can deal with my brain and heart on a daily basis. And to say something like that hurts. There are so many things I have going for me, but to have this huge gap open up is absolutely gut wrenching. All I can hope is that I see signs of improvement and go from there.