Monday happenings

I finally got my phone upgraded to the HTC EVO. I am officially part of the smart phone world and it is fantastic. I am definitely excited to play around with it for the next few days/weeks.

After work I went to the gym and saw the ex there. I haven't seen her there in probably 6 weeks. I should switch my gym to somewhere else, but 1) it's only $10 a month and 2) I rarely see her there anymore. Is it really worth an extra $40 a month to not see her for MAYBE once or twice a month? Who knows. We just passed each other and gave sort of a half smile/sad face/nod. It is kind of weird. I want to initiate some sort of convo just so these gym run-ins aren't so weird, but I don't want to be the one to break the ice. Sure, I am curious as to how she is doing, but at the same time, what is the point? I don't want to be her friend. I know that for sure. Do I want to date her again? I would say 99.9% no. I can't 100% rule it out, otherwise I think I'd be in a way better place. But that 0.01% is what is killer. The idea of having what I had again.

I don't like to think that I am a vulnerable guy, but I think that part of the reason I am so crushed is that - I was so guarded at the begining. I held off forever to make sure she was of the same mind set I was. Once I accepted that, I sort of just opened up. Told her everything. I have no secrets, and whatever mysteries about me that my best friends don't know - she did. It was like I was dressed in full body armor, and once I hit that point of "ok, I'm all in", I dropped my guard. Took everything off and exposed my true self. To lose that person that was a part of me feels like I lost part of myself. I feel like I lost my best friend.

On to other happenings: Of course my internet was acting up again (I hate Comcast) so I had to call them to reset whatever it is that they reset. Obviously it is working as of now.

It's funny, I usually get excited for all things sports. The World Series is on and for the most part I watch that every year no matter who is involved. Monday Night Football is on and although it has no impact on my fantasy team, it is still fun to watch. This year is kind of just blah though. I miss trying to get her in to sports. She hated sports to begin with, but the more and more she watched with me, the more and more she began to see how fun they are.

My birthday is this Friday and I'll be 29. One year away from 30. Not really where I pictured myself when I was 18 - but who can really be that accurate at that point in life? I know I need to stop relating things to Alexis - but having her by my side for the holiday's last year was special. I can say it was easily the best holiday season I've ever had. And that is saying something considering my family is so close-knit. All part of the break up process I guess. I don't know if this is weird of not, but everytime I go somewhere or do something, I try and erase the fact that "the last time I did XYZ, I was with her". For instance, up until recently, the last time I had gone to Costco, I was with her. Now that I went by myself, no longer can I say "ugh, the last time I was here, I was with her". Kind of a VERY small mental victory I suppose.

I try and take the little things that make me happy and amplify them, but it is so hard. My phone for instance, I've been wanting it for months now...and it just seems blah. I come home to play with it - but I have no one to show what cool things it can do. It's somewhat depressing. I don't like to be alone. Ever since I was a kid I'd always ask my Mom "hey come and watch me play video games!". Just the way I am, always liked to be around people. I think that's part of the reason this is so hard for me, and so "easy" for Alexis. She's basically been alone her whole life. I, of course, am the exact opposite in that regard. So getting home after the gym and just sitting around is lonely. Just another hurdle for me to clear.