Friday, November 5, 2010

Today I am 29

Well, it's my birthday today. Seems sort of bittersweet. Last years holiday season was the best I have ever had and this year I am back to square one. Except the difference being, now I know how much better it could be. I hate to sound all doom and gloom all the time, especially on my birthday, but things really haven't gotten THAT much better for me since the break up. It's already been four months, and yet I don't feel like I've made any huge strides.

Of course Alexis g-chatted me today to say Happy Birthday and see how things are going. I almost wish she had chosen a different day, but whatever. I asked her how we could make the gym less awkward and she said she didn't know that it bothered me. I don't know if that is a lie, or her just being oblivious to other peoples feelings as usual. We only talked for 15 minutes or so, got through the typical "how is your new job" type thing. I never know what to say in these situations anymore. Do I tell the truth and let her know I'm still a wreck? Do I blow it off and pretend like I'm just dandy? Or do I try and play it somewhere in the middle?

I think the problem is that I still love her. I know that is absolutely crazy to say...but I think it's true. Well let me clarify and say that I love the Alexis that I was in love with. The Alexis that is capable of putting me what she put me through - I don't love that person. I can't seem to merge the two. That Alexis IS the Alexis that I know, the one that hurt me so badly. My heart wants to believe that the Alexis that I loved is different that the other, if that makes sense. The gut-wrenching part is that there is just flat out nothing I can do about it. She doesn't feel like she used to and that's that. I just feel like I can't do this anymore. I can't keep this feeling. I can't seem to shake it though, which is what I am so torn up about.

Honestly I can say that had things ended but just in a different fashion, I think I would be ok. Or at least a lot better. If she had came to me and said what she was feeling and that she wanted to talk it out and then eventually it just fizzled out...that would've been ok. But to just think that someone is head over heels for you one day, and the next to say they want to be alone is worse than anything I could've ever imagined. Ever. For the longest time, I thought that if our relationship were to end, it would've been by my doing. Never in a million years would've I have guessed it would've ended the way it did.

Great birthday huh?

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