Friends

I really am lucky to have my friends. I think about it all the time. I can't imagine what kind of person I would be without my friends. I wouldn't trade them for anything.

Today started off pretty good. Normal day, commute, work, commute, gym. I saw Alexis at the gym, no looks, no words, no nothing. Not that I want that stuff, but it just hurts even seeing her. No idea why. It shouldn't hurt because she killed me. I should be angry at that. I should look at her and get sick that she'd do that to me. I can't explain why I feel what I feel. It just "is". The fact that she just clicked it off without any second thoughts....I don't understand it and I never will. Just seems like a bad dream. Sometimes it seems like I am waiting for some fairy tale ending. I don't know what that is. I hate waking up alone and thinking about what I used to have. I know someday it will be different, I just wasn't ready for that part yet.

I am feeling super down - like, how can she not want to be with me? Is being alone better than being with me? Seriously? That doesn't make any sense at all and it hurts me. A lot. Considering I thought I changed her life for the better since day 1. We became best friends and just the abrupt cut off...I just can't explain it. I know things could be worse. We could've been married, had a kid, I could have some terminal illness, etc. These were the cards I was dealt. I understand that. I have to learn to deal with life. I get that. I really do.
Kid Cudi has a new album coming out. I listened to the whole thing, and shocker, one of the songs hit me like a ton of bricks. It honestly leaves me breathless sometimes. I know that is corny to say and probably doesn't even make sense to anyone but me, but it is true. I listed to this song and these lyrics and it just hits home. Just beautifully composed. Take a listen.

Kid Cudi - All Along:


These lyrics:
"All alone all along.
I guess I'm meant to be alone,
up there on my own"

I don't think I am meant to be alone. I've known that ever since I was interested in girls. Ever since I can remember actually. My personality, my being, my everything is meant for a relationship. But maybe I AM meant to be alone right now? I'm not one to sit here and say fate this, fate that, but maybe in the end I'll be with someone better? Hard to think of it in terms of someone "better" because right now, I've never met anyone better than her. I don't think I'll ever be "thankful" it ended this way. I don't think I'll ever look back and say "what was I thinking?". It happened and now it is over, it is history. I just have to come to grips with that. Unfortunately I don't think it'll ever be closed because I don't think I will ever understand what happened. It will always be a "what if" in the back of my head.

Anyway, Mike called me and asked how I was doing. Out of the blue, like he knew I'd be having a rough time. I was just sitting in my apartment, fiddling with my phone, doing laundry, etc. Somehow he always knows what to say. He's never bashed her, never been crude to me in the sense of telling me to suck it up. Without ever knowing it, he's said all the right things. He's listened when I want to talk, talked when I wanted to listen. I thank whatever scenario that led us to be best friends. That will never change.