Good News I Guess?

Starting off with yesterday. We did the running club again and I ran about a 6k (~4 miles). I felt ok, but it is starting to get cold and I just flat out cannot run in the cold. I am hoping to ramp up my running at the gym over the next few months so that I really can do this half marathon in May. I tweaked my shoulder somehow yesterday morning when I woke up. It doesn't really feel like a muscle issue, more like a bone bruise. So tomorrow I am going to skip the shoulder workout and try and run 6 miles at the gym. It'll be good to throw in a shock to the system considering I haven't run more than 4 in a LONG time. My goal is between 54 and 60 minutes (9 or 10 minute mile). I'd honestly be shocked if I got closer to 54 than 60.

On to the good news. I saw Alexis at the gym and we obviously didn't talk. Of course it was awkward considering we were working out kind of close today. The good news is that I've had more of the "eff you" feelings. Like when I look at her I just think "Eff you". Eff you for putting me through what you did. I forgot what my train of thought was at the time, but immediately after I was thinking about her, I had a reaction of "Maybe we are better apart". It was one of those involuntary thoughts that comes out of nowhere. I know this is weird, but I can honestly remember the ONE other time that has happened - about a month ago. I guess that is good that it happened again? Who knows. Like I've said before, I'll never be "happy" that it ended. No matter what I do, I just can't imagine a scenario that I come to peace with.

Even after having those hateful thoughts, I still get the occasional "I wish I still had her" thoughts. So weird to go back and forth like this. My brain is tired of this run around. I just wish I could come to grips with it, some how, some way.

It's been over 4 months now, and I still think about her a lot. A lot. I know this is probably normal, but I just never imagined myself never speaking to her again. If you think about it - that is typical from a broken relationship point of view, I've just never gone through it. I honestly don't think any of my friends know me like she did. Bizarre bizarre feelings. The one thing I DO know is that I am tired of this confusion, this terrible feeling, this constant battle in my head. I just have no idea how to solve it.