Starting off with yesterday. We did the running club again and I ran about a 6k (~4 miles). I felt ok, but it is starting to get cold and I just flat out cannot run in the cold. I am hoping to ramp up my running at the gym over the next few months so that I really can do this half marathon in May. I tweaked my shoulder somehow yesterday morning when I woke up. It doesn't really feel like a muscle issue, more like a bone bruise. So tomorrow I am going to skip the shoulder workout and try and run 6 miles at the gym. It'll be good to throw in a shock to the system considering I haven't run more than 4 in a LONG time. My goal is between 54 and 60 minutes (9 or 10 minute mile). I'd honestly be shocked if I got closer to 54 than 60.
On to the good news. I saw Alexis at the gym and we obviously didn't talk. Of course it was awkward considering we were working out kind of close today. The good news is that I've had more of the "eff you" feelings. Like when I look at her I just think "Eff you". Eff you for putting me through what you did. I forgot what my train of thought was at the time, but immediately after I was thinking about her, I had a reaction of "Maybe we are better apart". It was one of those involuntary thoughts that comes out of nowhere. I know this is weird, but I can honestly remember the ONE other time that has happened - about a month ago. I guess that is good that it happened again? Who knows. Like I've said before, I'll never be "happy" that it ended. No matter what I do, I just can't imagine a scenario that I come to peace with.
Even after having those hateful thoughts, I still get the occasional "I wish I still had her" thoughts. So weird to go back and forth like this. My brain is tired of this run around. I just wish I could come to grips with it, some how, some way.
It's been over 4 months now, and I still think about her a lot. A lot. I know this is probably normal, but I just never imagined myself never speaking to her again. If you think about it - that is typical from a broken relationship point of view, I've just never gone through it. I honestly don't think any of my friends know me like she did. Bizarre bizarre feelings. The one thing I DO know is that I am tired of this confusion, this terrible feeling, this constant battle in my head. I just have no idea how to solve it.
Wednesday, November 10, 2010
Tuesday, November 9, 2010
Tuesday = Running Club
Today will be the third week in a row that I've been a part of this running club in Northern VA. Around 100 or so people meet up and run 3-4 miles, then end at a bar for happy hour. I usually just have one beer and then roll out. Mike, Kim and Kim's friend Tonja convinced me to do it. It helps because I can crash at Mike and Kim's and not kill myself on the commute.
Mike was nice enough to go in to work early so that he can get home by the time I get out of work. The reason he did that is because if I move my shift later - my morning commute becomes a nightmare. It was already starting to get backed up this morning on the way in at 6am. I definitely appreciate him doing that for me.
We are also going to start up the Harry Potter movies. My sister has all of them so far (first 6), so she lent them to me. I've seen the first two, but Mike and Kim haven't. Since my commute is so long, I've been listening to audio books and the Harry Potter series is riveting. The guy who narrates (Jim Dale) has won awards for his reading. I've listened to a few other books like The Firm by John Grisham. The narration was dull and the narrator used practically the same voice for everyone. Jim Dale uses a different voice for every single speaking character (250+). So that just adds to how great the books already are. I've finished the first 3 and started the 4th of 7 this morning. The 4th book (Goblet of Fire) is 17 CD's, so that might take a while.
Still kind of blah about the whole Alexis thing from last week. I am excited at the idea of meeting someone new, I just hope that person changes my life for the better like she did. I hope that that individual makes me a happier person like she did. I have no idea what to expect. I do know that I am not forcing anything and I am not pressing myself and worrying about the future. Whatever happens, happens. I'm not sitting here worried to death that I'll never meet someone else. That is basically the last thought on my head. Today will be fun, that's what I am focusing on right now.
Mike was nice enough to go in to work early so that he can get home by the time I get out of work. The reason he did that is because if I move my shift later - my morning commute becomes a nightmare. It was already starting to get backed up this morning on the way in at 6am. I definitely appreciate him doing that for me.
We are also going to start up the Harry Potter movies. My sister has all of them so far (first 6), so she lent them to me. I've seen the first two, but Mike and Kim haven't. Since my commute is so long, I've been listening to audio books and the Harry Potter series is riveting. The guy who narrates (Jim Dale) has won awards for his reading. I've listened to a few other books like The Firm by John Grisham. The narration was dull and the narrator used practically the same voice for everyone. Jim Dale uses a different voice for every single speaking character (250+). So that just adds to how great the books already are. I've finished the first 3 and started the 4th of 7 this morning. The 4th book (Goblet of Fire) is 17 CD's, so that might take a while.
Still kind of blah about the whole Alexis thing from last week. I am excited at the idea of meeting someone new, I just hope that person changes my life for the better like she did. I hope that that individual makes me a happier person like she did. I have no idea what to expect. I do know that I am not forcing anything and I am not pressing myself and worrying about the future. Whatever happens, happens. I'm not sitting here worried to death that I'll never meet someone else. That is basically the last thought on my head. Today will be fun, that's what I am focusing on right now.
Monday, November 8, 2010
Friends
I really am lucky to have my friends. I think about it all the time. I can't imagine what kind of person I would be without my friends. I wouldn't trade them for anything.
Today started off pretty good. Normal day, commute, work, commute, gym. I saw Alexis at the gym, no looks, no words, no nothing. Not that I want that stuff, but it just hurts even seeing her. No idea why. It shouldn't hurt because she killed me. I should be angry at that. I should look at her and get sick that she'd do that to me. I can't explain why I feel what I feel. It just "is". The fact that she just clicked it off without any second thoughts....I don't understand it and I never will. Just seems like a bad dream. Sometimes it seems like I am waiting for some fairy tale ending. I don't know what that is. I hate waking up alone and thinking about what I used to have. I know someday it will be different, I just wasn't ready for that part yet.
I am feeling super down - like, how can she not want to be with me? Is being alone better than being with me? Seriously? That doesn't make any sense at all and it hurts me. A lot. Considering I thought I changed her life for the better since day 1. We became best friends and just the abrupt cut off...I just can't explain it. I know things could be worse. We could've been married, had a kid, I could have some terminal illness, etc. These were the cards I was dealt. I understand that. I have to learn to deal with life. I get that. I really do.
Kid Cudi has a new album coming out. I listened to the whole thing, and shocker, one of the songs hit me like a ton of bricks. It honestly leaves me breathless sometimes. I know that is corny to say and probably doesn't even make sense to anyone but me, but it is true. I listed to this song and these lyrics and it just hits home. Just beautifully composed. Take a listen.
Kid Cudi - All Along:
These lyrics:
"All alone all along.
I guess I'm meant to be alone,
up there on my own"
I don't think I am meant to be alone. I've known that ever since I was interested in girls. Ever since I can remember actually. My personality, my being, my everything is meant for a relationship. But maybe I AM meant to be alone right now? I'm not one to sit here and say fate this, fate that, but maybe in the end I'll be with someone better? Hard to think of it in terms of someone "better" because right now, I've never met anyone better than her. I don't think I'll ever be "thankful" it ended this way. I don't think I'll ever look back and say "what was I thinking?". It happened and now it is over, it is history. I just have to come to grips with that. Unfortunately I don't think it'll ever be closed because I don't think I will ever understand what happened. It will always be a "what if" in the back of my head.
Anyway, Mike called me and asked how I was doing. Out of the blue, like he knew I'd be having a rough time. I was just sitting in my apartment, fiddling with my phone, doing laundry, etc. Somehow he always knows what to say. He's never bashed her, never been crude to me in the sense of telling me to suck it up. Without ever knowing it, he's said all the right things. He's listened when I want to talk, talked when I wanted to listen. I thank whatever scenario that led us to be best friends. That will never change.
Today started off pretty good. Normal day, commute, work, commute, gym. I saw Alexis at the gym, no looks, no words, no nothing. Not that I want that stuff, but it just hurts even seeing her. No idea why. It shouldn't hurt because she killed me. I should be angry at that. I should look at her and get sick that she'd do that to me. I can't explain why I feel what I feel. It just "is". The fact that she just clicked it off without any second thoughts....I don't understand it and I never will. Just seems like a bad dream. Sometimes it seems like I am waiting for some fairy tale ending. I don't know what that is. I hate waking up alone and thinking about what I used to have. I know someday it will be different, I just wasn't ready for that part yet.
I am feeling super down - like, how can she not want to be with me? Is being alone better than being with me? Seriously? That doesn't make any sense at all and it hurts me. A lot. Considering I thought I changed her life for the better since day 1. We became best friends and just the abrupt cut off...I just can't explain it. I know things could be worse. We could've been married, had a kid, I could have some terminal illness, etc. These were the cards I was dealt. I understand that. I have to learn to deal with life. I get that. I really do.
Kid Cudi has a new album coming out. I listened to the whole thing, and shocker, one of the songs hit me like a ton of bricks. It honestly leaves me breathless sometimes. I know that is corny to say and probably doesn't even make sense to anyone but me, but it is true. I listed to this song and these lyrics and it just hits home. Just beautifully composed. Take a listen.
Kid Cudi - All Along:
These lyrics:
"All alone all along.
I guess I'm meant to be alone,
up there on my own"
I don't think I am meant to be alone. I've known that ever since I was interested in girls. Ever since I can remember actually. My personality, my being, my everything is meant for a relationship. But maybe I AM meant to be alone right now? I'm not one to sit here and say fate this, fate that, but maybe in the end I'll be with someone better? Hard to think of it in terms of someone "better" because right now, I've never met anyone better than her. I don't think I'll ever be "thankful" it ended this way. I don't think I'll ever look back and say "what was I thinking?". It happened and now it is over, it is history. I just have to come to grips with that. Unfortunately I don't think it'll ever be closed because I don't think I will ever understand what happened. It will always be a "what if" in the back of my head.
Anyway, Mike called me and asked how I was doing. Out of the blue, like he knew I'd be having a rough time. I was just sitting in my apartment, fiddling with my phone, doing laundry, etc. Somehow he always knows what to say. He's never bashed her, never been crude to me in the sense of telling me to suck it up. Without ever knowing it, he's said all the right things. He's listened when I want to talk, talked when I wanted to listen. I thank whatever scenario that led us to be best friends. That will never change.
Sunday, November 7, 2010
Fun Weekend
For my birthday on Friday, JJ, Paul, Mike and Kim came up to my apartment. We went out to the bar across the street from my apartment complex and had a few drinks. After that we came back to my place and stayed up until about 2:30 or 3 just hanging out and having fun. It was a great end to the night, that's for sure.
Mike, Kim and JJ all spent the night and the next morning we all got up early to start the weekend. JJ and I drove up to his sisters house so we could ride up to the Penn State game together. Me, JJ, Leslie and her husband Jason all went up to the PSU vs. Northwestern game at 3:30. Joe Paterno was going for his 400th win so it was quite exciting. Penn State started off the game down 21-0. We all thought the game was over. We scored a quick TD to end the half and then poured it on in the second half and won 35-21. It was incredible. Great game, great night. We drove home and didn't get back until around 11:30ish. I spent the night at my parents house so we could have my "birthday dinner" today.
My sister and her boyfriend Patrick, as well as my Grandparents came over to eat lunch with us. It was very nice of all of them to come over and celebrate with me. I am lucky to have such wonderful friends and family. I am trying to clean up some stuff around the apartment and just relax a little before the next work week starts.
I am anxious to hit the gym again on Monday. I let myself have a free weekend to eat and drink whatever I wanted without keeping track. Once Monday hits I will be back on track with everything diet wise. I've never really been able to get a good hold on going to the grocery store on a consistent basis. It seems like I go about twice a week because it is too hard to time everything. Tomorrow after the gym I'll need to go again so that I don't have to go out to eat at work.
Mike, Kim and JJ all spent the night and the next morning we all got up early to start the weekend. JJ and I drove up to his sisters house so we could ride up to the Penn State game together. Me, JJ, Leslie and her husband Jason all went up to the PSU vs. Northwestern game at 3:30. Joe Paterno was going for his 400th win so it was quite exciting. Penn State started off the game down 21-0. We all thought the game was over. We scored a quick TD to end the half and then poured it on in the second half and won 35-21. It was incredible. Great game, great night. We drove home and didn't get back until around 11:30ish. I spent the night at my parents house so we could have my "birthday dinner" today.
My sister and her boyfriend Patrick, as well as my Grandparents came over to eat lunch with us. It was very nice of all of them to come over and celebrate with me. I am lucky to have such wonderful friends and family. I am trying to clean up some stuff around the apartment and just relax a little before the next work week starts.
I am anxious to hit the gym again on Monday. I let myself have a free weekend to eat and drink whatever I wanted without keeping track. Once Monday hits I will be back on track with everything diet wise. I've never really been able to get a good hold on going to the grocery store on a consistent basis. It seems like I go about twice a week because it is too hard to time everything. Tomorrow after the gym I'll need to go again so that I don't have to go out to eat at work.
Friday, November 5, 2010
Better Birthday Update
I am feeling a little better. Last night I called my Mom and guilted her in to coming down on my birthday. My Dad had to work, so he couldn't make it. But my Mom drove down and we went out to lunch. We got to catch up on stuff happening in the family, TV shows, my job, etc. She always knows what to say and is pretty much the perfect Mom.
Surprisingly, she has helped me a LOT throughout the breakup. I never really thought I would involve my parents in that sort of thing, but she has been a great ear for me to talk to. My Mom just makes sense though, we think along the same path, so I respect what she has to say. She baked me some brownies and dropped off my birthday card today. I am going over to their house on Sunday for my "official" birthday dinner. The card read "Three of my favorite words?" on the outside. On the inside it says "That's my son". I love how they are so proud of me. It really makes me feel good inside when they tell me that I'm doing the right thing or headed in the right path.
I have to rip out a few more spreadsheets for work and then it is off to the gym. I know I should take a day off for my birthday, but honestly, I need to get some frustrations out. Plus, it's leg day and even though I hate it, I always look forward to it because it is so challenging. I think JJ is going to get here around dinner time, so hopefully my time will be booked up the rest of the day and I won't have to sit here and sulk.
My goal in these upcoming months is to have my heart catch up to my brain. My brain knows there is another person out there for me. My brain knows that I deserve someone better. My heart on the other hand, is stuck in first gear. Mike said he thinks it is completely normal for someone to take 6-12 months to recover from something like I have - aka out of the blue break up. That's gives me a little encouragement, that my friends don't think I'm some psycho that can't let go. At least, that's not how they show it in front of me :)
Chin up. My birthday can only get better from here. I have to live up this last year of my 20's. The 30's are frightening and I can honestly say, I don't think I am ready for them yet. Glad I have a year buffer zone to get ready.
Surprisingly, she has helped me a LOT throughout the breakup. I never really thought I would involve my parents in that sort of thing, but she has been a great ear for me to talk to. My Mom just makes sense though, we think along the same path, so I respect what she has to say. She baked me some brownies and dropped off my birthday card today. I am going over to their house on Sunday for my "official" birthday dinner. The card read "Three of my favorite words?" on the outside. On the inside it says "That's my son". I love how they are so proud of me. It really makes me feel good inside when they tell me that I'm doing the right thing or headed in the right path.
I have to rip out a few more spreadsheets for work and then it is off to the gym. I know I should take a day off for my birthday, but honestly, I need to get some frustrations out. Plus, it's leg day and even though I hate it, I always look forward to it because it is so challenging. I think JJ is going to get here around dinner time, so hopefully my time will be booked up the rest of the day and I won't have to sit here and sulk.
My goal in these upcoming months is to have my heart catch up to my brain. My brain knows there is another person out there for me. My brain knows that I deserve someone better. My heart on the other hand, is stuck in first gear. Mike said he thinks it is completely normal for someone to take 6-12 months to recover from something like I have - aka out of the blue break up. That's gives me a little encouragement, that my friends don't think I'm some psycho that can't let go. At least, that's not how they show it in front of me :)
Chin up. My birthday can only get better from here. I have to live up this last year of my 20's. The 30's are frightening and I can honestly say, I don't think I am ready for them yet. Glad I have a year buffer zone to get ready.
Today I am 29
Well, it's my birthday today. Seems sort of bittersweet. Last years holiday season was the best I have ever had and this year I am back to square one. Except the difference being, now I know how much better it could be. I hate to sound all doom and gloom all the time, especially on my birthday, but things really haven't gotten THAT much better for me since the break up. It's already been four months, and yet I don't feel like I've made any huge strides.
Of course Alexis g-chatted me today to say Happy Birthday and see how things are going. I almost wish she had chosen a different day, but whatever. I asked her how we could make the gym less awkward and she said she didn't know that it bothered me. I don't know if that is a lie, or her just being oblivious to other peoples feelings as usual. We only talked for 15 minutes or so, got through the typical "how is your new job" type thing. I never know what to say in these situations anymore. Do I tell the truth and let her know I'm still a wreck? Do I blow it off and pretend like I'm just dandy? Or do I try and play it somewhere in the middle?
I think the problem is that I still love her. I know that is absolutely crazy to say...but I think it's true. Well let me clarify and say that I love the Alexis that I was in love with. The Alexis that is capable of putting me what she put me through - I don't love that person. I can't seem to merge the two. That Alexis IS the Alexis that I know, the one that hurt me so badly. My heart wants to believe that the Alexis that I loved is different that the other, if that makes sense. The gut-wrenching part is that there is just flat out nothing I can do about it. She doesn't feel like she used to and that's that. I just feel like I can't do this anymore. I can't keep this feeling. I can't seem to shake it though, which is what I am so torn up about.
Honestly I can say that had things ended but just in a different fashion, I think I would be ok. Or at least a lot better. If she had came to me and said what she was feeling and that she wanted to talk it out and then eventually it just fizzled out...that would've been ok. But to just think that someone is head over heels for you one day, and the next to say they want to be alone is worse than anything I could've ever imagined. Ever. For the longest time, I thought that if our relationship were to end, it would've been by my doing. Never in a million years would've I have guessed it would've ended the way it did.
Great birthday huh?
Of course Alexis g-chatted me today to say Happy Birthday and see how things are going. I almost wish she had chosen a different day, but whatever. I asked her how we could make the gym less awkward and she said she didn't know that it bothered me. I don't know if that is a lie, or her just being oblivious to other peoples feelings as usual. We only talked for 15 minutes or so, got through the typical "how is your new job" type thing. I never know what to say in these situations anymore. Do I tell the truth and let her know I'm still a wreck? Do I blow it off and pretend like I'm just dandy? Or do I try and play it somewhere in the middle?
I think the problem is that I still love her. I know that is absolutely crazy to say...but I think it's true. Well let me clarify and say that I love the Alexis that I was in love with. The Alexis that is capable of putting me what she put me through - I don't love that person. I can't seem to merge the two. That Alexis IS the Alexis that I know, the one that hurt me so badly. My heart wants to believe that the Alexis that I loved is different that the other, if that makes sense. The gut-wrenching part is that there is just flat out nothing I can do about it. She doesn't feel like she used to and that's that. I just feel like I can't do this anymore. I can't keep this feeling. I can't seem to shake it though, which is what I am so torn up about.
Honestly I can say that had things ended but just in a different fashion, I think I would be ok. Or at least a lot better. If she had came to me and said what she was feeling and that she wanted to talk it out and then eventually it just fizzled out...that would've been ok. But to just think that someone is head over heels for you one day, and the next to say they want to be alone is worse than anything I could've ever imagined. Ever. For the longest time, I thought that if our relationship were to end, it would've been by my doing. Never in a million years would've I have guessed it would've ended the way it did.
Great birthday huh?
Thursday, November 4, 2010
Gymmy Gym
Just hit the gym pretty hard. I have been working extra hard to try and get in to shape. It helps work out my frustrations and at least momentarily get my mind off things. My goal is to weigh 199. I think the last time I have a 1 as the first digit in my weight, I was in 10th grade. I tried to add as much muscle as possible over the summer and then my goal was to cut down. I got up to 253, and now am sitting at around 226. Basically half way home! The main thing I have changed is portion control and cardio. I'd also like to be able to run a half marathon in May. I've never really been a runner because of the whole asthma thing. It stinks because it's always been where physically I've felt like I can run, but I just flat out can't breathe. It REALLY holds me back and takes forever to build up any sort of endurance.
Today I ran 3.31 miles in 30 minutes. That's what a 9:10 minute mile average? The most common goal for runners is to run a 9 minute mile in a half marathon or full marathon. That is pretty legit. A 9:10 mile average would get me in just under 2 hours. That is definitely my goal...but I don't think I could keep that up for another hour and a half. Maybe over the next 6 months I can build up that endurance and turn in a sub 2 hour half marathon.
Today I ran 3.31 miles in 30 minutes. That's what a 9:10 minute mile average? The most common goal for runners is to run a 9 minute mile in a half marathon or full marathon. That is pretty legit. A 9:10 mile average would get me in just under 2 hours. That is definitely my goal...but I don't think I could keep that up for another hour and a half. Maybe over the next 6 months I can build up that endurance and turn in a sub 2 hour half marathon.
Rainy days
The weather stinks here today, and I hear it is supposed to rain/snow up in State College for the Penn State versus Northwestern game...ugh. The games are always fun though, so that's good. Sometimes I like rainy weather, the smell, the fresh air (if it's cold), it's a refreshing feeling sometimes. I'm glad it is Fall and I can start wearing jeans and hoodies again. I have lost a bit of weight, so I think it's time I refresh my wardrobe for winter stuff.
Earlier this week my Mom called and asked what I wanted to do for my birthday. I really had no plans, so I told her I would check with my friends and then get back to her. Turns out, some friends are going to come over tomorrow, but kind of late (8 or 9p) in order to let traffic die down. I asked my Mom if her and my Dad wanted to come over for dinner - but she said that she had already invited my Grandparents over for dinner. I don't know if it was in anticipation of me going home or what. Kind of hurt my feelings a bit that she didn't want to cancel with them and come down and see me on my actual birthday. I know it's not important, but now I am literally going to spend the entire day by myself (telecommute) and have birthday dinner by myself. Sucks. As if I didn't already feel lonely.
These gloomy, dreary days, especially my birthday, are the days I'd kill to lay on the couch with Alexis in my sweatpants and t-shirt. I can't really describe it, but we "fit" perfectly when laying together. Melts my heart thinking about it. I think about future gf's all the time and pray they are the same way. It's those little things that I am afraid of not ever getting back. It's funny, the feeling of love, the attraction, the daily interaction, the flirting, that stuff I feel confident that I can find again. But the laying on the couch, certain looks she'd give me, a million other "little" things are what I miss most. Made me feel like I really knew who she was deep down...but I guess that was wrong.
Earlier this week my Mom called and asked what I wanted to do for my birthday. I really had no plans, so I told her I would check with my friends and then get back to her. Turns out, some friends are going to come over tomorrow, but kind of late (8 or 9p) in order to let traffic die down. I asked my Mom if her and my Dad wanted to come over for dinner - but she said that she had already invited my Grandparents over for dinner. I don't know if it was in anticipation of me going home or what. Kind of hurt my feelings a bit that she didn't want to cancel with them and come down and see me on my actual birthday. I know it's not important, but now I am literally going to spend the entire day by myself (telecommute) and have birthday dinner by myself. Sucks. As if I didn't already feel lonely.
These gloomy, dreary days, especially my birthday, are the days I'd kill to lay on the couch with Alexis in my sweatpants and t-shirt. I can't really describe it, but we "fit" perfectly when laying together. Melts my heart thinking about it. I think about future gf's all the time and pray they are the same way. It's those little things that I am afraid of not ever getting back. It's funny, the feeling of love, the attraction, the daily interaction, the flirting, that stuff I feel confident that I can find again. But the laying on the couch, certain looks she'd give me, a million other "little" things are what I miss most. Made me feel like I really knew who she was deep down...but I guess that was wrong.
Wednesday, November 3, 2010
Wednesday update
Yesterday I stayed around NoVA and crashed at Mike's place. It helps with the commute since he lives about 10 minutes from my office. I also participated in the Shirlington Running Club for the second week in a row. It's just a simple running club that runs around 3.5 miles every Tuesday and has a Happy Hour afterward. Good way to socialize and get some exercise. This week was a lot harder than last since the temperature dropped about 20 degrees. If it gets much colder I don't think I can handle it with the exercise induced asthma.
Other than that, no real news to report. I saw Alexis at the gym again today, but we managed to stay on opposite sides and do our own thing, no contact at all. Honestly, it is kind of childish. I know it will probably hurt to talk to her, but I don't want to act like some sixth grader that is afraid to talk to girls. I feel like it would be easier just to say "hi" and then do whatever I want to do at the gym as opposed to being weirded out by working out next to her. Like I said, I have absolutely no desire to be friends, but I hate this awkwardness too. I feel like I am looking over my shoulder to make sure I don't run in to her and that is stupid.
I have no idea how serious break ups work, that is painfully obvious. I wish this had happened way earlier in life, but, thems the breaks. I don't know how to act, I don't know what to say, IF I should say, anything. The most bizarre feeling is that I know I don't want to be with her, but at the same time, I just wish she'd say something to me. I almost wish she'd apologize for everything and say she wants to talk. Maybe it'd be satisfying hearing she was wrong or regretted what she did? But honestly what would that accomplish? Nothing. I know this, but it still doesn't help.
I'm a numbers, I need proof of things. I hate the idea of just "accepting" something as fact, simply because that's what someone says. People tell me there are a million other chicks out there that I could love just as much if not more than her. Logically, this makes sense. There HAS to be someone else out there for me. But at the same time, it took me 27 years to find her, so it is kind of hard just to "accept" that fact. My brain is so jumbled up, sometimes I feel like I don't even know which way is up.
Overall, the last two days haven't been THAT bad. It's just weird that I still constantly think about her. With everything. Lots of things remind me of her. I see a lot of things and immediately think "Oh Alexis would love this...". Just a lot for me to handle and sitting at home at night by myself certainly doesn't help out.
Other than that, no real news to report. I saw Alexis at the gym again today, but we managed to stay on opposite sides and do our own thing, no contact at all. Honestly, it is kind of childish. I know it will probably hurt to talk to her, but I don't want to act like some sixth grader that is afraid to talk to girls. I feel like it would be easier just to say "hi" and then do whatever I want to do at the gym as opposed to being weirded out by working out next to her. Like I said, I have absolutely no desire to be friends, but I hate this awkwardness too. I feel like I am looking over my shoulder to make sure I don't run in to her and that is stupid.
I have no idea how serious break ups work, that is painfully obvious. I wish this had happened way earlier in life, but, thems the breaks. I don't know how to act, I don't know what to say, IF I should say, anything. The most bizarre feeling is that I know I don't want to be with her, but at the same time, I just wish she'd say something to me. I almost wish she'd apologize for everything and say she wants to talk. Maybe it'd be satisfying hearing she was wrong or regretted what she did? But honestly what would that accomplish? Nothing. I know this, but it still doesn't help.
I'm a numbers, I need proof of things. I hate the idea of just "accepting" something as fact, simply because that's what someone says. People tell me there are a million other chicks out there that I could love just as much if not more than her. Logically, this makes sense. There HAS to be someone else out there for me. But at the same time, it took me 27 years to find her, so it is kind of hard just to "accept" that fact. My brain is so jumbled up, sometimes I feel like I don't even know which way is up.
Overall, the last two days haven't been THAT bad. It's just weird that I still constantly think about her. With everything. Lots of things remind me of her. I see a lot of things and immediately think "Oh Alexis would love this...". Just a lot for me to handle and sitting at home at night by myself certainly doesn't help out.
Monday, November 1, 2010
The Power of Music
One thing I've been trying to do a lot more of is listen to music. I've always felt I've had a connection with music - much more so than just the average fan. I hear things differently, I hear different pieces, I listen to the lyrics, I try and understand the soul behind the song, try and understand where that artist is coming from and how they chose to translate that in to music. Mostly I am a rock guy, but whenever I get out of sorts, I switch it up. No need to listed to Deftones when I'm in a sad and low mood. They are my favorite band, but they don't bring me out of it that way. Anyway, I was watching a HD live show of Coldplay (yes, yes, I know) and they showed two of their most popular songs, which happen to be my favorites too. Melodically, they are beautiful., lyrically perfect. It's amazing to me how these pieces all come together and paint a picture. There are five song lyric snippets I want to share:
1) Coldplay - Fix You:
"When you feel so tired but you can't sleep
Stuck in reverse
And the tears come streaming down your face
When you lose something you can't replace
When you love someone but it goes to waste
Could it be worse?"
---Could this honestly fit my situation better? Absolutely spot on lyrics. This is one of those songs that I choose to relate to me, not to anyone else. I feel like it is talking to me. I don't want to get in to the detailed break down of why I love these lyrics. I just wanted to share them.
2) Coldplay - The Scientist:
"Nobody said it was easy
It's such a shame for us to part
Nobody said it was easy
No one ever said it would be this hard
Oh, take me back to the start"
---Again, exactly what I am feeling. "No one ever said it would be this hard". You know, you always hear about heart break and how it's the worst, and you think of chicks sitting on the couch in sweats and eating a tub of ice cream. That's what I pictured for the longest time. If I'm honest, I never saw myself dating more than one person. I know that's a weird thing to say, but I wanted to meet someone and not ever "lose" them. Was Alexis the one? I have no idea. Could she have been? Sure. As I said before - I think we only scratched the surface of our relationship after a year and a half and that made me so excited for the future.
3) Kid Cudi - Man On the Moon:
"Guess if I was simple in the mind
Everything would be fine
Maybe if I was jerk to girls
Instead of being nice and speakin kind words
But then maybe it would be ok to say then
I wasn't a good guy to begin with"
---Just seems like a guy who is doubting himself. Thinking if I was not as emotional, if I was not as loving or caring, that it would be ok. This is where I'm at. That is me though. I wear my emotions on my sleeve. I'm an open and honest guy and that's the way it will be forever. I treat people with respect and 99 times out of 100, but the ones I love in front of myself. I like to think of myself as a very selfless person. Making other people happy and seeing them get enjoyment out of things that I do gives me more pleasure than getting those same benefits.
4) Pearl Jam - Black:
"I know someday you'll have a beautiful life, I know you'll be a star
In somebody else's sky, but why, why, why
Can't it be, can't it be mine?"
---Again, sort of a pity party for me. A lot of these lyrics not only are beautiful on paper, but the way it is translated and sung in the song is very moving. "I know you'll be a star in somebody else's sky..." this is true with every broken relationship. Alexis tells me she doesn't know if she EVER wants to get married and I just flat out don't believe that. I want her to be happy, I just wished she was happy with me :-/
5) Blink 182 - Story of a Lonely Guy:
"I need a drink, cause in a while
Worthless answer from friends of mine
It's dumb to ask, cool to ignore
Girls posess me, but they're never mine"
---I need my friend and family to help me through this. I don't think their answers are worthless, but in the end it is up to me to figure out. They can only say so much. It's not like I'll be talking to Mike and all of a sudden a light bulb will go off. It just helps to vent my thoughts and feelings. I like these lines because it's a different take on a break up. I've always wanted a serious relationship - but for whatever reason, it's never panned out and Alexis happened to be the first one.
I am going to keep doing my thing, and trying to "get out there". I'm not letting this get in the way of some possible future relationship. It's not like when I talk to girls I am thinking "oh my gosh, I'm still in love with Alexis". I keep telling myself - ok, this is the hand I've been dealt, I need to just accept that. I want someone to love, I want someone to love me back. Who that person is, I have no idea. I don't want to force anything, I just want to feel good. I want to feel like myself and go from there.
1) Coldplay - Fix You:
"When you feel so tired but you can't sleep
Stuck in reverse
And the tears come streaming down your face
When you lose something you can't replace
When you love someone but it goes to waste
Could it be worse?"
---Could this honestly fit my situation better? Absolutely spot on lyrics. This is one of those songs that I choose to relate to me, not to anyone else. I feel like it is talking to me. I don't want to get in to the detailed break down of why I love these lyrics. I just wanted to share them.
2) Coldplay - The Scientist:
"Nobody said it was easy
It's such a shame for us to part
Nobody said it was easy
No one ever said it would be this hard
Oh, take me back to the start"
---Again, exactly what I am feeling. "No one ever said it would be this hard". You know, you always hear about heart break and how it's the worst, and you think of chicks sitting on the couch in sweats and eating a tub of ice cream. That's what I pictured for the longest time. If I'm honest, I never saw myself dating more than one person. I know that's a weird thing to say, but I wanted to meet someone and not ever "lose" them. Was Alexis the one? I have no idea. Could she have been? Sure. As I said before - I think we only scratched the surface of our relationship after a year and a half and that made me so excited for the future.
3) Kid Cudi - Man On the Moon:
"Guess if I was simple in the mind
Everything would be fine
Maybe if I was jerk to girls
Instead of being nice and speakin kind words
But then maybe it would be ok to say then
I wasn't a good guy to begin with"
---Just seems like a guy who is doubting himself. Thinking if I was not as emotional, if I was not as loving or caring, that it would be ok. This is where I'm at. That is me though. I wear my emotions on my sleeve. I'm an open and honest guy and that's the way it will be forever. I treat people with respect and 99 times out of 100, but the ones I love in front of myself. I like to think of myself as a very selfless person. Making other people happy and seeing them get enjoyment out of things that I do gives me more pleasure than getting those same benefits.
4) Pearl Jam - Black:
"I know someday you'll have a beautiful life, I know you'll be a star
In somebody else's sky, but why, why, why
Can't it be, can't it be mine?"
---Again, sort of a pity party for me. A lot of these lyrics not only are beautiful on paper, but the way it is translated and sung in the song is very moving. "I know you'll be a star in somebody else's sky..." this is true with every broken relationship. Alexis tells me she doesn't know if she EVER wants to get married and I just flat out don't believe that. I want her to be happy, I just wished she was happy with me :-/
5) Blink 182 - Story of a Lonely Guy:
"I need a drink, cause in a while
Worthless answer from friends of mine
It's dumb to ask, cool to ignore
Girls posess me, but they're never mine"
---I need my friend and family to help me through this. I don't think their answers are worthless, but in the end it is up to me to figure out. They can only say so much. It's not like I'll be talking to Mike and all of a sudden a light bulb will go off. It just helps to vent my thoughts and feelings. I like these lines because it's a different take on a break up. I've always wanted a serious relationship - but for whatever reason, it's never panned out and Alexis happened to be the first one.
I am going to keep doing my thing, and trying to "get out there". I'm not letting this get in the way of some possible future relationship. It's not like when I talk to girls I am thinking "oh my gosh, I'm still in love with Alexis". I keep telling myself - ok, this is the hand I've been dealt, I need to just accept that. I want someone to love, I want someone to love me back. Who that person is, I have no idea. I don't want to force anything, I just want to feel good. I want to feel like myself and go from there.
Monday happenings
I finally got my phone upgraded to the HTC EVO. I am officially part of the smart phone world and it is fantastic. I am definitely excited to play around with it for the next few days/weeks.
After work I went to the gym and saw the ex there. I haven't seen her there in probably 6 weeks. I should switch my gym to somewhere else, but 1) it's only $10 a month and 2) I rarely see her there anymore. Is it really worth an extra $40 a month to not see her for MAYBE once or twice a month? Who knows. We just passed each other and gave sort of a half smile/sad face/nod. It is kind of weird. I want to initiate some sort of convo just so these gym run-ins aren't so weird, but I don't want to be the one to break the ice. Sure, I am curious as to how she is doing, but at the same time, what is the point? I don't want to be her friend. I know that for sure. Do I want to date her again? I would say 99.9% no. I can't 100% rule it out, otherwise I think I'd be in a way better place. But that 0.01% is what is killer. The idea of having what I had again.
I don't like to think that I am a vulnerable guy, but I think that part of the reason I am so crushed is that - I was so guarded at the begining. I held off forever to make sure she was of the same mind set I was. Once I accepted that, I sort of just opened up. Told her everything. I have no secrets, and whatever mysteries about me that my best friends don't know - she did. It was like I was dressed in full body armor, and once I hit that point of "ok, I'm all in", I dropped my guard. Took everything off and exposed my true self. To lose that person that was a part of me feels like I lost part of myself. I feel like I lost my best friend.
On to other happenings: Of course my internet was acting up again (I hate Comcast) so I had to call them to reset whatever it is that they reset. Obviously it is working as of now.
It's funny, I usually get excited for all things sports. The World Series is on and for the most part I watch that every year no matter who is involved. Monday Night Football is on and although it has no impact on my fantasy team, it is still fun to watch. This year is kind of just blah though. I miss trying to get her in to sports. She hated sports to begin with, but the more and more she watched with me, the more and more she began to see how fun they are.
My birthday is this Friday and I'll be 29. One year away from 30. Not really where I pictured myself when I was 18 - but who can really be that accurate at that point in life? I know I need to stop relating things to Alexis - but having her by my side for the holiday's last year was special. I can say it was easily the best holiday season I've ever had. And that is saying something considering my family is so close-knit. All part of the break up process I guess. I don't know if this is weird of not, but everytime I go somewhere or do something, I try and erase the fact that "the last time I did XYZ, I was with her". For instance, up until recently, the last time I had gone to Costco, I was with her. Now that I went by myself, no longer can I say "ugh, the last time I was here, I was with her". Kind of a VERY small mental victory I suppose.
I try and take the little things that make me happy and amplify them, but it is so hard. My phone for instance, I've been wanting it for months now...and it just seems blah. I come home to play with it - but I have no one to show what cool things it can do. It's somewhat depressing. I don't like to be alone. Ever since I was a kid I'd always ask my Mom "hey come and watch me play video games!". Just the way I am, always liked to be around people. I think that's part of the reason this is so hard for me, and so "easy" for Alexis. She's basically been alone her whole life. I, of course, am the exact opposite in that regard. So getting home after the gym and just sitting around is lonely. Just another hurdle for me to clear.
After work I went to the gym and saw the ex there. I haven't seen her there in probably 6 weeks. I should switch my gym to somewhere else, but 1) it's only $10 a month and 2) I rarely see her there anymore. Is it really worth an extra $40 a month to not see her for MAYBE once or twice a month? Who knows. We just passed each other and gave sort of a half smile/sad face/nod. It is kind of weird. I want to initiate some sort of convo just so these gym run-ins aren't so weird, but I don't want to be the one to break the ice. Sure, I am curious as to how she is doing, but at the same time, what is the point? I don't want to be her friend. I know that for sure. Do I want to date her again? I would say 99.9% no. I can't 100% rule it out, otherwise I think I'd be in a way better place. But that 0.01% is what is killer. The idea of having what I had again.
I don't like to think that I am a vulnerable guy, but I think that part of the reason I am so crushed is that - I was so guarded at the begining. I held off forever to make sure she was of the same mind set I was. Once I accepted that, I sort of just opened up. Told her everything. I have no secrets, and whatever mysteries about me that my best friends don't know - she did. It was like I was dressed in full body armor, and once I hit that point of "ok, I'm all in", I dropped my guard. Took everything off and exposed my true self. To lose that person that was a part of me feels like I lost part of myself. I feel like I lost my best friend.
On to other happenings: Of course my internet was acting up again (I hate Comcast) so I had to call them to reset whatever it is that they reset. Obviously it is working as of now.
It's funny, I usually get excited for all things sports. The World Series is on and for the most part I watch that every year no matter who is involved. Monday Night Football is on and although it has no impact on my fantasy team, it is still fun to watch. This year is kind of just blah though. I miss trying to get her in to sports. She hated sports to begin with, but the more and more she watched with me, the more and more she began to see how fun they are.
My birthday is this Friday and I'll be 29. One year away from 30. Not really where I pictured myself when I was 18 - but who can really be that accurate at that point in life? I know I need to stop relating things to Alexis - but having her by my side for the holiday's last year was special. I can say it was easily the best holiday season I've ever had. And that is saying something considering my family is so close-knit. All part of the break up process I guess. I don't know if this is weird of not, but everytime I go somewhere or do something, I try and erase the fact that "the last time I did XYZ, I was with her". For instance, up until recently, the last time I had gone to Costco, I was with her. Now that I went by myself, no longer can I say "ugh, the last time I was here, I was with her". Kind of a VERY small mental victory I suppose.
I try and take the little things that make me happy and amplify them, but it is so hard. My phone for instance, I've been wanting it for months now...and it just seems blah. I come home to play with it - but I have no one to show what cool things it can do. It's somewhat depressing. I don't like to be alone. Ever since I was a kid I'd always ask my Mom "hey come and watch me play video games!". Just the way I am, always liked to be around people. I think that's part of the reason this is so hard for me, and so "easy" for Alexis. She's basically been alone her whole life. I, of course, am the exact opposite in that regard. So getting home after the gym and just sitting around is lonely. Just another hurdle for me to clear.
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