Kind of hard to sum up 2010. The first half was honestly the best 6 months of my entire life. The last 6 have been the worst. I guess going on that mentality, it was just an ok year if you average them out. The first half taught me a lot about myself, what I am capable of, what I am meant to be. It felt natural to be in a relationship. It felt like that's how I should be living my life. I know you can't force it, and I know it's a two way street.
The Holiday season is especially hard. I love Christmas time and spending it with my family and friends. This year is different though. I almost just want to skip it. Last year's Christmas was by a land slide my favorite Christmas of all time. Better than when my parents got me Nintendo. I got to spend it with someone I loved, and to show her a loving family in return was greater than anything I'd ever been a part of in my entire life.
The past 6 months have been the hardest of my life. I still have sleepless nights, I still think about her, I still dream of laying on the couch with her under a blanket. I know it sounds ridiculous, but 6 months later, I still yearn for what we had. I thought we were getting so much stronger and the prospects we had for the future were limitless. I'd never imagined it would end that way, and I honestly don't think I'll ever be able to accept that. But, the only thing I can do is try to move on and take it a day at a time.
Initially, I told myself after 6 months - roughly the start of 2011, I wanted to be free and clear of her. I now realize that's just not possible. It honestly boils down to finding someone else. Seeing if I can experience something greater than I had with Alexis. That way I can be "shown" that there might be someone better for me out there, not just going off of some false hope.
After all is said and done, I wouldn't erase our relationship to erase the pain of heartbreak. She opened me up to feelings and thoughts I only thought I was capable of. 2010 was certainly a year I'll remember for a long time.
Thursday, December 23, 2010
Thursday, December 9, 2010
Updates
Date night with Julie was great. We met up at about 7:30 and went out to Luna's in NoVA. Turns out, we shut the place down at 10. I feel like that's a good sign! I think we are going to meet up for another date before we have the Santa party at Mike's place on the Thursday before Christmas. I'd like to get another date in there so we can click some more. We'll see where this takes us...who knows. I mean if it turns in to something, great. If not, then that's ok too. I have fun hanging out with her. That's all that matters for now.
Down to 224 at the gym from a high of 253. My goal is 199. I know the "number" doesn't mean anything, body fat percentage, muscle mass, all that really matters more. I really don't care if I lose all the muslce mass that I've tried so hard to gain over the years. I just want to feel "slim". I am taking the week off from running though, I felt like my knees were really starting to lag behind. Hopefully this will rejuvinate me and remotivate me for that half marathon in May.
JJ told me on Friday that Katie is pregnant with their second kid. I'm very happy for them. They are great parents and I know another addition to the family will be fantastic. I'm predicting boy, they don't want to know until the kid pops out. I don't think I could handle that, I'd want to know asap.
Down to 224 at the gym from a high of 253. My goal is 199. I know the "number" doesn't mean anything, body fat percentage, muscle mass, all that really matters more. I really don't care if I lose all the muslce mass that I've tried so hard to gain over the years. I just want to feel "slim". I am taking the week off from running though, I felt like my knees were really starting to lag behind. Hopefully this will rejuvinate me and remotivate me for that half marathon in May.
JJ told me on Friday that Katie is pregnant with their second kid. I'm very happy for them. They are great parents and I know another addition to the family will be fantastic. I'm predicting boy, they don't want to know until the kid pops out. I don't think I could handle that, I'd want to know asap.
Wednesday, December 1, 2010
HATE COMCAST
Just wrote a huge post, but of course Comcast made FireFox crash - so it's gone.
Cliffs:
- Alexis has a new bf
- She apparently got in to an accident and her car is smashed up
- Used to live the crazy life style before me, got in to accidents, same thing happening again
- Karma is a bitch, bitch
- GOOD. Eff her. Glad I have something to get angry and build hate on
- Eff her bf who was probably in her ear the whole time we were dating and I didn't go skydiver with her
- Met a girl named Julie, hung out a few times in a group setting
- Got a date with her next week, just us
- Very excited
- Makes me smile to think someone else is showing interest in me
Cliffs:
- Alexis has a new bf
- She apparently got in to an accident and her car is smashed up
- Used to live the crazy life style before me, got in to accidents, same thing happening again
- Karma is a bitch, bitch
- GOOD. Eff her. Glad I have something to get angry and build hate on
- Eff her bf who was probably in her ear the whole time we were dating and I didn't go skydiver with her
- Met a girl named Julie, hung out a few times in a group setting
- Got a date with her next week, just us
- Very excited
- Makes me smile to think someone else is showing interest in me
Wednesday, November 10, 2010
Good News I Guess?
Starting off with yesterday. We did the running club again and I ran about a 6k (~4 miles). I felt ok, but it is starting to get cold and I just flat out cannot run in the cold. I am hoping to ramp up my running at the gym over the next few months so that I really can do this half marathon in May. I tweaked my shoulder somehow yesterday morning when I woke up. It doesn't really feel like a muscle issue, more like a bone bruise. So tomorrow I am going to skip the shoulder workout and try and run 6 miles at the gym. It'll be good to throw in a shock to the system considering I haven't run more than 4 in a LONG time. My goal is between 54 and 60 minutes (9 or 10 minute mile). I'd honestly be shocked if I got closer to 54 than 60.
On to the good news. I saw Alexis at the gym and we obviously didn't talk. Of course it was awkward considering we were working out kind of close today. The good news is that I've had more of the "eff you" feelings. Like when I look at her I just think "Eff you". Eff you for putting me through what you did. I forgot what my train of thought was at the time, but immediately after I was thinking about her, I had a reaction of "Maybe we are better apart". It was one of those involuntary thoughts that comes out of nowhere. I know this is weird, but I can honestly remember the ONE other time that has happened - about a month ago. I guess that is good that it happened again? Who knows. Like I've said before, I'll never be "happy" that it ended. No matter what I do, I just can't imagine a scenario that I come to peace with.
Even after having those hateful thoughts, I still get the occasional "I wish I still had her" thoughts. So weird to go back and forth like this. My brain is tired of this run around. I just wish I could come to grips with it, some how, some way.
It's been over 4 months now, and I still think about her a lot. A lot. I know this is probably normal, but I just never imagined myself never speaking to her again. If you think about it - that is typical from a broken relationship point of view, I've just never gone through it. I honestly don't think any of my friends know me like she did. Bizarre bizarre feelings. The one thing I DO know is that I am tired of this confusion, this terrible feeling, this constant battle in my head. I just have no idea how to solve it.
On to the good news. I saw Alexis at the gym and we obviously didn't talk. Of course it was awkward considering we were working out kind of close today. The good news is that I've had more of the "eff you" feelings. Like when I look at her I just think "Eff you". Eff you for putting me through what you did. I forgot what my train of thought was at the time, but immediately after I was thinking about her, I had a reaction of "Maybe we are better apart". It was one of those involuntary thoughts that comes out of nowhere. I know this is weird, but I can honestly remember the ONE other time that has happened - about a month ago. I guess that is good that it happened again? Who knows. Like I've said before, I'll never be "happy" that it ended. No matter what I do, I just can't imagine a scenario that I come to peace with.
Even after having those hateful thoughts, I still get the occasional "I wish I still had her" thoughts. So weird to go back and forth like this. My brain is tired of this run around. I just wish I could come to grips with it, some how, some way.
It's been over 4 months now, and I still think about her a lot. A lot. I know this is probably normal, but I just never imagined myself never speaking to her again. If you think about it - that is typical from a broken relationship point of view, I've just never gone through it. I honestly don't think any of my friends know me like she did. Bizarre bizarre feelings. The one thing I DO know is that I am tired of this confusion, this terrible feeling, this constant battle in my head. I just have no idea how to solve it.
Tuesday, November 9, 2010
Tuesday = Running Club
Today will be the third week in a row that I've been a part of this running club in Northern VA. Around 100 or so people meet up and run 3-4 miles, then end at a bar for happy hour. I usually just have one beer and then roll out. Mike, Kim and Kim's friend Tonja convinced me to do it. It helps because I can crash at Mike and Kim's and not kill myself on the commute.
Mike was nice enough to go in to work early so that he can get home by the time I get out of work. The reason he did that is because if I move my shift later - my morning commute becomes a nightmare. It was already starting to get backed up this morning on the way in at 6am. I definitely appreciate him doing that for me.
We are also going to start up the Harry Potter movies. My sister has all of them so far (first 6), so she lent them to me. I've seen the first two, but Mike and Kim haven't. Since my commute is so long, I've been listening to audio books and the Harry Potter series is riveting. The guy who narrates (Jim Dale) has won awards for his reading. I've listened to a few other books like The Firm by John Grisham. The narration was dull and the narrator used practically the same voice for everyone. Jim Dale uses a different voice for every single speaking character (250+). So that just adds to how great the books already are. I've finished the first 3 and started the 4th of 7 this morning. The 4th book (Goblet of Fire) is 17 CD's, so that might take a while.
Still kind of blah about the whole Alexis thing from last week. I am excited at the idea of meeting someone new, I just hope that person changes my life for the better like she did. I hope that that individual makes me a happier person like she did. I have no idea what to expect. I do know that I am not forcing anything and I am not pressing myself and worrying about the future. Whatever happens, happens. I'm not sitting here worried to death that I'll never meet someone else. That is basically the last thought on my head. Today will be fun, that's what I am focusing on right now.
Mike was nice enough to go in to work early so that he can get home by the time I get out of work. The reason he did that is because if I move my shift later - my morning commute becomes a nightmare. It was already starting to get backed up this morning on the way in at 6am. I definitely appreciate him doing that for me.
We are also going to start up the Harry Potter movies. My sister has all of them so far (first 6), so she lent them to me. I've seen the first two, but Mike and Kim haven't. Since my commute is so long, I've been listening to audio books and the Harry Potter series is riveting. The guy who narrates (Jim Dale) has won awards for his reading. I've listened to a few other books like The Firm by John Grisham. The narration was dull and the narrator used practically the same voice for everyone. Jim Dale uses a different voice for every single speaking character (250+). So that just adds to how great the books already are. I've finished the first 3 and started the 4th of 7 this morning. The 4th book (Goblet of Fire) is 17 CD's, so that might take a while.
Still kind of blah about the whole Alexis thing from last week. I am excited at the idea of meeting someone new, I just hope that person changes my life for the better like she did. I hope that that individual makes me a happier person like she did. I have no idea what to expect. I do know that I am not forcing anything and I am not pressing myself and worrying about the future. Whatever happens, happens. I'm not sitting here worried to death that I'll never meet someone else. That is basically the last thought on my head. Today will be fun, that's what I am focusing on right now.
Monday, November 8, 2010
Friends
I really am lucky to have my friends. I think about it all the time. I can't imagine what kind of person I would be without my friends. I wouldn't trade them for anything.
Today started off pretty good. Normal day, commute, work, commute, gym. I saw Alexis at the gym, no looks, no words, no nothing. Not that I want that stuff, but it just hurts even seeing her. No idea why. It shouldn't hurt because she killed me. I should be angry at that. I should look at her and get sick that she'd do that to me. I can't explain why I feel what I feel. It just "is". The fact that she just clicked it off without any second thoughts....I don't understand it and I never will. Just seems like a bad dream. Sometimes it seems like I am waiting for some fairy tale ending. I don't know what that is. I hate waking up alone and thinking about what I used to have. I know someday it will be different, I just wasn't ready for that part yet.
I am feeling super down - like, how can she not want to be with me? Is being alone better than being with me? Seriously? That doesn't make any sense at all and it hurts me. A lot. Considering I thought I changed her life for the better since day 1. We became best friends and just the abrupt cut off...I just can't explain it. I know things could be worse. We could've been married, had a kid, I could have some terminal illness, etc. These were the cards I was dealt. I understand that. I have to learn to deal with life. I get that. I really do.
Kid Cudi has a new album coming out. I listened to the whole thing, and shocker, one of the songs hit me like a ton of bricks. It honestly leaves me breathless sometimes. I know that is corny to say and probably doesn't even make sense to anyone but me, but it is true. I listed to this song and these lyrics and it just hits home. Just beautifully composed. Take a listen.
Kid Cudi - All Along:
These lyrics:
"All alone all along.
I guess I'm meant to be alone,
up there on my own"
I don't think I am meant to be alone. I've known that ever since I was interested in girls. Ever since I can remember actually. My personality, my being, my everything is meant for a relationship. But maybe I AM meant to be alone right now? I'm not one to sit here and say fate this, fate that, but maybe in the end I'll be with someone better? Hard to think of it in terms of someone "better" because right now, I've never met anyone better than her. I don't think I'll ever be "thankful" it ended this way. I don't think I'll ever look back and say "what was I thinking?". It happened and now it is over, it is history. I just have to come to grips with that. Unfortunately I don't think it'll ever be closed because I don't think I will ever understand what happened. It will always be a "what if" in the back of my head.
Anyway, Mike called me and asked how I was doing. Out of the blue, like he knew I'd be having a rough time. I was just sitting in my apartment, fiddling with my phone, doing laundry, etc. Somehow he always knows what to say. He's never bashed her, never been crude to me in the sense of telling me to suck it up. Without ever knowing it, he's said all the right things. He's listened when I want to talk, talked when I wanted to listen. I thank whatever scenario that led us to be best friends. That will never change.
Today started off pretty good. Normal day, commute, work, commute, gym. I saw Alexis at the gym, no looks, no words, no nothing. Not that I want that stuff, but it just hurts even seeing her. No idea why. It shouldn't hurt because she killed me. I should be angry at that. I should look at her and get sick that she'd do that to me. I can't explain why I feel what I feel. It just "is". The fact that she just clicked it off without any second thoughts....I don't understand it and I never will. Just seems like a bad dream. Sometimes it seems like I am waiting for some fairy tale ending. I don't know what that is. I hate waking up alone and thinking about what I used to have. I know someday it will be different, I just wasn't ready for that part yet.
I am feeling super down - like, how can she not want to be with me? Is being alone better than being with me? Seriously? That doesn't make any sense at all and it hurts me. A lot. Considering I thought I changed her life for the better since day 1. We became best friends and just the abrupt cut off...I just can't explain it. I know things could be worse. We could've been married, had a kid, I could have some terminal illness, etc. These were the cards I was dealt. I understand that. I have to learn to deal with life. I get that. I really do.
Kid Cudi has a new album coming out. I listened to the whole thing, and shocker, one of the songs hit me like a ton of bricks. It honestly leaves me breathless sometimes. I know that is corny to say and probably doesn't even make sense to anyone but me, but it is true. I listed to this song and these lyrics and it just hits home. Just beautifully composed. Take a listen.
Kid Cudi - All Along:
These lyrics:
"All alone all along.
I guess I'm meant to be alone,
up there on my own"
I don't think I am meant to be alone. I've known that ever since I was interested in girls. Ever since I can remember actually. My personality, my being, my everything is meant for a relationship. But maybe I AM meant to be alone right now? I'm not one to sit here and say fate this, fate that, but maybe in the end I'll be with someone better? Hard to think of it in terms of someone "better" because right now, I've never met anyone better than her. I don't think I'll ever be "thankful" it ended this way. I don't think I'll ever look back and say "what was I thinking?". It happened and now it is over, it is history. I just have to come to grips with that. Unfortunately I don't think it'll ever be closed because I don't think I will ever understand what happened. It will always be a "what if" in the back of my head.
Anyway, Mike called me and asked how I was doing. Out of the blue, like he knew I'd be having a rough time. I was just sitting in my apartment, fiddling with my phone, doing laundry, etc. Somehow he always knows what to say. He's never bashed her, never been crude to me in the sense of telling me to suck it up. Without ever knowing it, he's said all the right things. He's listened when I want to talk, talked when I wanted to listen. I thank whatever scenario that led us to be best friends. That will never change.
Sunday, November 7, 2010
Fun Weekend
For my birthday on Friday, JJ, Paul, Mike and Kim came up to my apartment. We went out to the bar across the street from my apartment complex and had a few drinks. After that we came back to my place and stayed up until about 2:30 or 3 just hanging out and having fun. It was a great end to the night, that's for sure.
Mike, Kim and JJ all spent the night and the next morning we all got up early to start the weekend. JJ and I drove up to his sisters house so we could ride up to the Penn State game together. Me, JJ, Leslie and her husband Jason all went up to the PSU vs. Northwestern game at 3:30. Joe Paterno was going for his 400th win so it was quite exciting. Penn State started off the game down 21-0. We all thought the game was over. We scored a quick TD to end the half and then poured it on in the second half and won 35-21. It was incredible. Great game, great night. We drove home and didn't get back until around 11:30ish. I spent the night at my parents house so we could have my "birthday dinner" today.
My sister and her boyfriend Patrick, as well as my Grandparents came over to eat lunch with us. It was very nice of all of them to come over and celebrate with me. I am lucky to have such wonderful friends and family. I am trying to clean up some stuff around the apartment and just relax a little before the next work week starts.
I am anxious to hit the gym again on Monday. I let myself have a free weekend to eat and drink whatever I wanted without keeping track. Once Monday hits I will be back on track with everything diet wise. I've never really been able to get a good hold on going to the grocery store on a consistent basis. It seems like I go about twice a week because it is too hard to time everything. Tomorrow after the gym I'll need to go again so that I don't have to go out to eat at work.
Mike, Kim and JJ all spent the night and the next morning we all got up early to start the weekend. JJ and I drove up to his sisters house so we could ride up to the Penn State game together. Me, JJ, Leslie and her husband Jason all went up to the PSU vs. Northwestern game at 3:30. Joe Paterno was going for his 400th win so it was quite exciting. Penn State started off the game down 21-0. We all thought the game was over. We scored a quick TD to end the half and then poured it on in the second half and won 35-21. It was incredible. Great game, great night. We drove home and didn't get back until around 11:30ish. I spent the night at my parents house so we could have my "birthday dinner" today.
My sister and her boyfriend Patrick, as well as my Grandparents came over to eat lunch with us. It was very nice of all of them to come over and celebrate with me. I am lucky to have such wonderful friends and family. I am trying to clean up some stuff around the apartment and just relax a little before the next work week starts.
I am anxious to hit the gym again on Monday. I let myself have a free weekend to eat and drink whatever I wanted without keeping track. Once Monday hits I will be back on track with everything diet wise. I've never really been able to get a good hold on going to the grocery store on a consistent basis. It seems like I go about twice a week because it is too hard to time everything. Tomorrow after the gym I'll need to go again so that I don't have to go out to eat at work.
Friday, November 5, 2010
Better Birthday Update
I am feeling a little better. Last night I called my Mom and guilted her in to coming down on my birthday. My Dad had to work, so he couldn't make it. But my Mom drove down and we went out to lunch. We got to catch up on stuff happening in the family, TV shows, my job, etc. She always knows what to say and is pretty much the perfect Mom.
Surprisingly, she has helped me a LOT throughout the breakup. I never really thought I would involve my parents in that sort of thing, but she has been a great ear for me to talk to. My Mom just makes sense though, we think along the same path, so I respect what she has to say. She baked me some brownies and dropped off my birthday card today. I am going over to their house on Sunday for my "official" birthday dinner. The card read "Three of my favorite words?" on the outside. On the inside it says "That's my son". I love how they are so proud of me. It really makes me feel good inside when they tell me that I'm doing the right thing or headed in the right path.
I have to rip out a few more spreadsheets for work and then it is off to the gym. I know I should take a day off for my birthday, but honestly, I need to get some frustrations out. Plus, it's leg day and even though I hate it, I always look forward to it because it is so challenging. I think JJ is going to get here around dinner time, so hopefully my time will be booked up the rest of the day and I won't have to sit here and sulk.
My goal in these upcoming months is to have my heart catch up to my brain. My brain knows there is another person out there for me. My brain knows that I deserve someone better. My heart on the other hand, is stuck in first gear. Mike said he thinks it is completely normal for someone to take 6-12 months to recover from something like I have - aka out of the blue break up. That's gives me a little encouragement, that my friends don't think I'm some psycho that can't let go. At least, that's not how they show it in front of me :)
Chin up. My birthday can only get better from here. I have to live up this last year of my 20's. The 30's are frightening and I can honestly say, I don't think I am ready for them yet. Glad I have a year buffer zone to get ready.
Surprisingly, she has helped me a LOT throughout the breakup. I never really thought I would involve my parents in that sort of thing, but she has been a great ear for me to talk to. My Mom just makes sense though, we think along the same path, so I respect what she has to say. She baked me some brownies and dropped off my birthday card today. I am going over to their house on Sunday for my "official" birthday dinner. The card read "Three of my favorite words?" on the outside. On the inside it says "That's my son". I love how they are so proud of me. It really makes me feel good inside when they tell me that I'm doing the right thing or headed in the right path.
I have to rip out a few more spreadsheets for work and then it is off to the gym. I know I should take a day off for my birthday, but honestly, I need to get some frustrations out. Plus, it's leg day and even though I hate it, I always look forward to it because it is so challenging. I think JJ is going to get here around dinner time, so hopefully my time will be booked up the rest of the day and I won't have to sit here and sulk.
My goal in these upcoming months is to have my heart catch up to my brain. My brain knows there is another person out there for me. My brain knows that I deserve someone better. My heart on the other hand, is stuck in first gear. Mike said he thinks it is completely normal for someone to take 6-12 months to recover from something like I have - aka out of the blue break up. That's gives me a little encouragement, that my friends don't think I'm some psycho that can't let go. At least, that's not how they show it in front of me :)
Chin up. My birthday can only get better from here. I have to live up this last year of my 20's. The 30's are frightening and I can honestly say, I don't think I am ready for them yet. Glad I have a year buffer zone to get ready.
Today I am 29
Well, it's my birthday today. Seems sort of bittersweet. Last years holiday season was the best I have ever had and this year I am back to square one. Except the difference being, now I know how much better it could be. I hate to sound all doom and gloom all the time, especially on my birthday, but things really haven't gotten THAT much better for me since the break up. It's already been four months, and yet I don't feel like I've made any huge strides.
Of course Alexis g-chatted me today to say Happy Birthday and see how things are going. I almost wish she had chosen a different day, but whatever. I asked her how we could make the gym less awkward and she said she didn't know that it bothered me. I don't know if that is a lie, or her just being oblivious to other peoples feelings as usual. We only talked for 15 minutes or so, got through the typical "how is your new job" type thing. I never know what to say in these situations anymore. Do I tell the truth and let her know I'm still a wreck? Do I blow it off and pretend like I'm just dandy? Or do I try and play it somewhere in the middle?
I think the problem is that I still love her. I know that is absolutely crazy to say...but I think it's true. Well let me clarify and say that I love the Alexis that I was in love with. The Alexis that is capable of putting me what she put me through - I don't love that person. I can't seem to merge the two. That Alexis IS the Alexis that I know, the one that hurt me so badly. My heart wants to believe that the Alexis that I loved is different that the other, if that makes sense. The gut-wrenching part is that there is just flat out nothing I can do about it. She doesn't feel like she used to and that's that. I just feel like I can't do this anymore. I can't keep this feeling. I can't seem to shake it though, which is what I am so torn up about.
Honestly I can say that had things ended but just in a different fashion, I think I would be ok. Or at least a lot better. If she had came to me and said what she was feeling and that she wanted to talk it out and then eventually it just fizzled out...that would've been ok. But to just think that someone is head over heels for you one day, and the next to say they want to be alone is worse than anything I could've ever imagined. Ever. For the longest time, I thought that if our relationship were to end, it would've been by my doing. Never in a million years would've I have guessed it would've ended the way it did.
Great birthday huh?
Of course Alexis g-chatted me today to say Happy Birthday and see how things are going. I almost wish she had chosen a different day, but whatever. I asked her how we could make the gym less awkward and she said she didn't know that it bothered me. I don't know if that is a lie, or her just being oblivious to other peoples feelings as usual. We only talked for 15 minutes or so, got through the typical "how is your new job" type thing. I never know what to say in these situations anymore. Do I tell the truth and let her know I'm still a wreck? Do I blow it off and pretend like I'm just dandy? Or do I try and play it somewhere in the middle?
I think the problem is that I still love her. I know that is absolutely crazy to say...but I think it's true. Well let me clarify and say that I love the Alexis that I was in love with. The Alexis that is capable of putting me what she put me through - I don't love that person. I can't seem to merge the two. That Alexis IS the Alexis that I know, the one that hurt me so badly. My heart wants to believe that the Alexis that I loved is different that the other, if that makes sense. The gut-wrenching part is that there is just flat out nothing I can do about it. She doesn't feel like she used to and that's that. I just feel like I can't do this anymore. I can't keep this feeling. I can't seem to shake it though, which is what I am so torn up about.
Honestly I can say that had things ended but just in a different fashion, I think I would be ok. Or at least a lot better. If she had came to me and said what she was feeling and that she wanted to talk it out and then eventually it just fizzled out...that would've been ok. But to just think that someone is head over heels for you one day, and the next to say they want to be alone is worse than anything I could've ever imagined. Ever. For the longest time, I thought that if our relationship were to end, it would've been by my doing. Never in a million years would've I have guessed it would've ended the way it did.
Great birthday huh?
Thursday, November 4, 2010
Gymmy Gym
Just hit the gym pretty hard. I have been working extra hard to try and get in to shape. It helps work out my frustrations and at least momentarily get my mind off things. My goal is to weigh 199. I think the last time I have a 1 as the first digit in my weight, I was in 10th grade. I tried to add as much muscle as possible over the summer and then my goal was to cut down. I got up to 253, and now am sitting at around 226. Basically half way home! The main thing I have changed is portion control and cardio. I'd also like to be able to run a half marathon in May. I've never really been a runner because of the whole asthma thing. It stinks because it's always been where physically I've felt like I can run, but I just flat out can't breathe. It REALLY holds me back and takes forever to build up any sort of endurance.
Today I ran 3.31 miles in 30 minutes. That's what a 9:10 minute mile average? The most common goal for runners is to run a 9 minute mile in a half marathon or full marathon. That is pretty legit. A 9:10 mile average would get me in just under 2 hours. That is definitely my goal...but I don't think I could keep that up for another hour and a half. Maybe over the next 6 months I can build up that endurance and turn in a sub 2 hour half marathon.
Today I ran 3.31 miles in 30 minutes. That's what a 9:10 minute mile average? The most common goal for runners is to run a 9 minute mile in a half marathon or full marathon. That is pretty legit. A 9:10 mile average would get me in just under 2 hours. That is definitely my goal...but I don't think I could keep that up for another hour and a half. Maybe over the next 6 months I can build up that endurance and turn in a sub 2 hour half marathon.
Rainy days
The weather stinks here today, and I hear it is supposed to rain/snow up in State College for the Penn State versus Northwestern game...ugh. The games are always fun though, so that's good. Sometimes I like rainy weather, the smell, the fresh air (if it's cold), it's a refreshing feeling sometimes. I'm glad it is Fall and I can start wearing jeans and hoodies again. I have lost a bit of weight, so I think it's time I refresh my wardrobe for winter stuff.
Earlier this week my Mom called and asked what I wanted to do for my birthday. I really had no plans, so I told her I would check with my friends and then get back to her. Turns out, some friends are going to come over tomorrow, but kind of late (8 or 9p) in order to let traffic die down. I asked my Mom if her and my Dad wanted to come over for dinner - but she said that she had already invited my Grandparents over for dinner. I don't know if it was in anticipation of me going home or what. Kind of hurt my feelings a bit that she didn't want to cancel with them and come down and see me on my actual birthday. I know it's not important, but now I am literally going to spend the entire day by myself (telecommute) and have birthday dinner by myself. Sucks. As if I didn't already feel lonely.
These gloomy, dreary days, especially my birthday, are the days I'd kill to lay on the couch with Alexis in my sweatpants and t-shirt. I can't really describe it, but we "fit" perfectly when laying together. Melts my heart thinking about it. I think about future gf's all the time and pray they are the same way. It's those little things that I am afraid of not ever getting back. It's funny, the feeling of love, the attraction, the daily interaction, the flirting, that stuff I feel confident that I can find again. But the laying on the couch, certain looks she'd give me, a million other "little" things are what I miss most. Made me feel like I really knew who she was deep down...but I guess that was wrong.
Earlier this week my Mom called and asked what I wanted to do for my birthday. I really had no plans, so I told her I would check with my friends and then get back to her. Turns out, some friends are going to come over tomorrow, but kind of late (8 or 9p) in order to let traffic die down. I asked my Mom if her and my Dad wanted to come over for dinner - but she said that she had already invited my Grandparents over for dinner. I don't know if it was in anticipation of me going home or what. Kind of hurt my feelings a bit that she didn't want to cancel with them and come down and see me on my actual birthday. I know it's not important, but now I am literally going to spend the entire day by myself (telecommute) and have birthday dinner by myself. Sucks. As if I didn't already feel lonely.
These gloomy, dreary days, especially my birthday, are the days I'd kill to lay on the couch with Alexis in my sweatpants and t-shirt. I can't really describe it, but we "fit" perfectly when laying together. Melts my heart thinking about it. I think about future gf's all the time and pray they are the same way. It's those little things that I am afraid of not ever getting back. It's funny, the feeling of love, the attraction, the daily interaction, the flirting, that stuff I feel confident that I can find again. But the laying on the couch, certain looks she'd give me, a million other "little" things are what I miss most. Made me feel like I really knew who she was deep down...but I guess that was wrong.
Wednesday, November 3, 2010
Wednesday update
Yesterday I stayed around NoVA and crashed at Mike's place. It helps with the commute since he lives about 10 minutes from my office. I also participated in the Shirlington Running Club for the second week in a row. It's just a simple running club that runs around 3.5 miles every Tuesday and has a Happy Hour afterward. Good way to socialize and get some exercise. This week was a lot harder than last since the temperature dropped about 20 degrees. If it gets much colder I don't think I can handle it with the exercise induced asthma.
Other than that, no real news to report. I saw Alexis at the gym again today, but we managed to stay on opposite sides and do our own thing, no contact at all. Honestly, it is kind of childish. I know it will probably hurt to talk to her, but I don't want to act like some sixth grader that is afraid to talk to girls. I feel like it would be easier just to say "hi" and then do whatever I want to do at the gym as opposed to being weirded out by working out next to her. Like I said, I have absolutely no desire to be friends, but I hate this awkwardness too. I feel like I am looking over my shoulder to make sure I don't run in to her and that is stupid.
I have no idea how serious break ups work, that is painfully obvious. I wish this had happened way earlier in life, but, thems the breaks. I don't know how to act, I don't know what to say, IF I should say, anything. The most bizarre feeling is that I know I don't want to be with her, but at the same time, I just wish she'd say something to me. I almost wish she'd apologize for everything and say she wants to talk. Maybe it'd be satisfying hearing she was wrong or regretted what she did? But honestly what would that accomplish? Nothing. I know this, but it still doesn't help.
I'm a numbers, I need proof of things. I hate the idea of just "accepting" something as fact, simply because that's what someone says. People tell me there are a million other chicks out there that I could love just as much if not more than her. Logically, this makes sense. There HAS to be someone else out there for me. But at the same time, it took me 27 years to find her, so it is kind of hard just to "accept" that fact. My brain is so jumbled up, sometimes I feel like I don't even know which way is up.
Overall, the last two days haven't been THAT bad. It's just weird that I still constantly think about her. With everything. Lots of things remind me of her. I see a lot of things and immediately think "Oh Alexis would love this...". Just a lot for me to handle and sitting at home at night by myself certainly doesn't help out.
Other than that, no real news to report. I saw Alexis at the gym again today, but we managed to stay on opposite sides and do our own thing, no contact at all. Honestly, it is kind of childish. I know it will probably hurt to talk to her, but I don't want to act like some sixth grader that is afraid to talk to girls. I feel like it would be easier just to say "hi" and then do whatever I want to do at the gym as opposed to being weirded out by working out next to her. Like I said, I have absolutely no desire to be friends, but I hate this awkwardness too. I feel like I am looking over my shoulder to make sure I don't run in to her and that is stupid.
I have no idea how serious break ups work, that is painfully obvious. I wish this had happened way earlier in life, but, thems the breaks. I don't know how to act, I don't know what to say, IF I should say, anything. The most bizarre feeling is that I know I don't want to be with her, but at the same time, I just wish she'd say something to me. I almost wish she'd apologize for everything and say she wants to talk. Maybe it'd be satisfying hearing she was wrong or regretted what she did? But honestly what would that accomplish? Nothing. I know this, but it still doesn't help.
I'm a numbers, I need proof of things. I hate the idea of just "accepting" something as fact, simply because that's what someone says. People tell me there are a million other chicks out there that I could love just as much if not more than her. Logically, this makes sense. There HAS to be someone else out there for me. But at the same time, it took me 27 years to find her, so it is kind of hard just to "accept" that fact. My brain is so jumbled up, sometimes I feel like I don't even know which way is up.
Overall, the last two days haven't been THAT bad. It's just weird that I still constantly think about her. With everything. Lots of things remind me of her. I see a lot of things and immediately think "Oh Alexis would love this...". Just a lot for me to handle and sitting at home at night by myself certainly doesn't help out.
Monday, November 1, 2010
The Power of Music
One thing I've been trying to do a lot more of is listen to music. I've always felt I've had a connection with music - much more so than just the average fan. I hear things differently, I hear different pieces, I listen to the lyrics, I try and understand the soul behind the song, try and understand where that artist is coming from and how they chose to translate that in to music. Mostly I am a rock guy, but whenever I get out of sorts, I switch it up. No need to listed to Deftones when I'm in a sad and low mood. They are my favorite band, but they don't bring me out of it that way. Anyway, I was watching a HD live show of Coldplay (yes, yes, I know) and they showed two of their most popular songs, which happen to be my favorites too. Melodically, they are beautiful., lyrically perfect. It's amazing to me how these pieces all come together and paint a picture. There are five song lyric snippets I want to share:
1) Coldplay - Fix You:
"When you feel so tired but you can't sleep
Stuck in reverse
And the tears come streaming down your face
When you lose something you can't replace
When you love someone but it goes to waste
Could it be worse?"
---Could this honestly fit my situation better? Absolutely spot on lyrics. This is one of those songs that I choose to relate to me, not to anyone else. I feel like it is talking to me. I don't want to get in to the detailed break down of why I love these lyrics. I just wanted to share them.
2) Coldplay - The Scientist:
"Nobody said it was easy
It's such a shame for us to part
Nobody said it was easy
No one ever said it would be this hard
Oh, take me back to the start"
---Again, exactly what I am feeling. "No one ever said it would be this hard". You know, you always hear about heart break and how it's the worst, and you think of chicks sitting on the couch in sweats and eating a tub of ice cream. That's what I pictured for the longest time. If I'm honest, I never saw myself dating more than one person. I know that's a weird thing to say, but I wanted to meet someone and not ever "lose" them. Was Alexis the one? I have no idea. Could she have been? Sure. As I said before - I think we only scratched the surface of our relationship after a year and a half and that made me so excited for the future.
3) Kid Cudi - Man On the Moon:
"Guess if I was simple in the mind
Everything would be fine
Maybe if I was jerk to girls
Instead of being nice and speakin kind words
But then maybe it would be ok to say then
I wasn't a good guy to begin with"
---Just seems like a guy who is doubting himself. Thinking if I was not as emotional, if I was not as loving or caring, that it would be ok. This is where I'm at. That is me though. I wear my emotions on my sleeve. I'm an open and honest guy and that's the way it will be forever. I treat people with respect and 99 times out of 100, but the ones I love in front of myself. I like to think of myself as a very selfless person. Making other people happy and seeing them get enjoyment out of things that I do gives me more pleasure than getting those same benefits.
4) Pearl Jam - Black:
"I know someday you'll have a beautiful life, I know you'll be a star
In somebody else's sky, but why, why, why
Can't it be, can't it be mine?"
---Again, sort of a pity party for me. A lot of these lyrics not only are beautiful on paper, but the way it is translated and sung in the song is very moving. "I know you'll be a star in somebody else's sky..." this is true with every broken relationship. Alexis tells me she doesn't know if she EVER wants to get married and I just flat out don't believe that. I want her to be happy, I just wished she was happy with me :-/
5) Blink 182 - Story of a Lonely Guy:
"I need a drink, cause in a while
Worthless answer from friends of mine
It's dumb to ask, cool to ignore
Girls posess me, but they're never mine"
---I need my friend and family to help me through this. I don't think their answers are worthless, but in the end it is up to me to figure out. They can only say so much. It's not like I'll be talking to Mike and all of a sudden a light bulb will go off. It just helps to vent my thoughts and feelings. I like these lines because it's a different take on a break up. I've always wanted a serious relationship - but for whatever reason, it's never panned out and Alexis happened to be the first one.
I am going to keep doing my thing, and trying to "get out there". I'm not letting this get in the way of some possible future relationship. It's not like when I talk to girls I am thinking "oh my gosh, I'm still in love with Alexis". I keep telling myself - ok, this is the hand I've been dealt, I need to just accept that. I want someone to love, I want someone to love me back. Who that person is, I have no idea. I don't want to force anything, I just want to feel good. I want to feel like myself and go from there.
1) Coldplay - Fix You:
"When you feel so tired but you can't sleep
Stuck in reverse
And the tears come streaming down your face
When you lose something you can't replace
When you love someone but it goes to waste
Could it be worse?"
---Could this honestly fit my situation better? Absolutely spot on lyrics. This is one of those songs that I choose to relate to me, not to anyone else. I feel like it is talking to me. I don't want to get in to the detailed break down of why I love these lyrics. I just wanted to share them.
2) Coldplay - The Scientist:
"Nobody said it was easy
It's such a shame for us to part
Nobody said it was easy
No one ever said it would be this hard
Oh, take me back to the start"
---Again, exactly what I am feeling. "No one ever said it would be this hard". You know, you always hear about heart break and how it's the worst, and you think of chicks sitting on the couch in sweats and eating a tub of ice cream. That's what I pictured for the longest time. If I'm honest, I never saw myself dating more than one person. I know that's a weird thing to say, but I wanted to meet someone and not ever "lose" them. Was Alexis the one? I have no idea. Could she have been? Sure. As I said before - I think we only scratched the surface of our relationship after a year and a half and that made me so excited for the future.
3) Kid Cudi - Man On the Moon:
"Guess if I was simple in the mind
Everything would be fine
Maybe if I was jerk to girls
Instead of being nice and speakin kind words
But then maybe it would be ok to say then
I wasn't a good guy to begin with"
---Just seems like a guy who is doubting himself. Thinking if I was not as emotional, if I was not as loving or caring, that it would be ok. This is where I'm at. That is me though. I wear my emotions on my sleeve. I'm an open and honest guy and that's the way it will be forever. I treat people with respect and 99 times out of 100, but the ones I love in front of myself. I like to think of myself as a very selfless person. Making other people happy and seeing them get enjoyment out of things that I do gives me more pleasure than getting those same benefits.
4) Pearl Jam - Black:
"I know someday you'll have a beautiful life, I know you'll be a star
In somebody else's sky, but why, why, why
Can't it be, can't it be mine?"
---Again, sort of a pity party for me. A lot of these lyrics not only are beautiful on paper, but the way it is translated and sung in the song is very moving. "I know you'll be a star in somebody else's sky..." this is true with every broken relationship. Alexis tells me she doesn't know if she EVER wants to get married and I just flat out don't believe that. I want her to be happy, I just wished she was happy with me :-/
5) Blink 182 - Story of a Lonely Guy:
"I need a drink, cause in a while
Worthless answer from friends of mine
It's dumb to ask, cool to ignore
Girls posess me, but they're never mine"
---I need my friend and family to help me through this. I don't think their answers are worthless, but in the end it is up to me to figure out. They can only say so much. It's not like I'll be talking to Mike and all of a sudden a light bulb will go off. It just helps to vent my thoughts and feelings. I like these lines because it's a different take on a break up. I've always wanted a serious relationship - but for whatever reason, it's never panned out and Alexis happened to be the first one.
I am going to keep doing my thing, and trying to "get out there". I'm not letting this get in the way of some possible future relationship. It's not like when I talk to girls I am thinking "oh my gosh, I'm still in love with Alexis". I keep telling myself - ok, this is the hand I've been dealt, I need to just accept that. I want someone to love, I want someone to love me back. Who that person is, I have no idea. I don't want to force anything, I just want to feel good. I want to feel like myself and go from there.
Monday happenings
I finally got my phone upgraded to the HTC EVO. I am officially part of the smart phone world and it is fantastic. I am definitely excited to play around with it for the next few days/weeks.
After work I went to the gym and saw the ex there. I haven't seen her there in probably 6 weeks. I should switch my gym to somewhere else, but 1) it's only $10 a month and 2) I rarely see her there anymore. Is it really worth an extra $40 a month to not see her for MAYBE once or twice a month? Who knows. We just passed each other and gave sort of a half smile/sad face/nod. It is kind of weird. I want to initiate some sort of convo just so these gym run-ins aren't so weird, but I don't want to be the one to break the ice. Sure, I am curious as to how she is doing, but at the same time, what is the point? I don't want to be her friend. I know that for sure. Do I want to date her again? I would say 99.9% no. I can't 100% rule it out, otherwise I think I'd be in a way better place. But that 0.01% is what is killer. The idea of having what I had again.
I don't like to think that I am a vulnerable guy, but I think that part of the reason I am so crushed is that - I was so guarded at the begining. I held off forever to make sure she was of the same mind set I was. Once I accepted that, I sort of just opened up. Told her everything. I have no secrets, and whatever mysteries about me that my best friends don't know - she did. It was like I was dressed in full body armor, and once I hit that point of "ok, I'm all in", I dropped my guard. Took everything off and exposed my true self. To lose that person that was a part of me feels like I lost part of myself. I feel like I lost my best friend.
On to other happenings: Of course my internet was acting up again (I hate Comcast) so I had to call them to reset whatever it is that they reset. Obviously it is working as of now.
It's funny, I usually get excited for all things sports. The World Series is on and for the most part I watch that every year no matter who is involved. Monday Night Football is on and although it has no impact on my fantasy team, it is still fun to watch. This year is kind of just blah though. I miss trying to get her in to sports. She hated sports to begin with, but the more and more she watched with me, the more and more she began to see how fun they are.
My birthday is this Friday and I'll be 29. One year away from 30. Not really where I pictured myself when I was 18 - but who can really be that accurate at that point in life? I know I need to stop relating things to Alexis - but having her by my side for the holiday's last year was special. I can say it was easily the best holiday season I've ever had. And that is saying something considering my family is so close-knit. All part of the break up process I guess. I don't know if this is weird of not, but everytime I go somewhere or do something, I try and erase the fact that "the last time I did XYZ, I was with her". For instance, up until recently, the last time I had gone to Costco, I was with her. Now that I went by myself, no longer can I say "ugh, the last time I was here, I was with her". Kind of a VERY small mental victory I suppose.
I try and take the little things that make me happy and amplify them, but it is so hard. My phone for instance, I've been wanting it for months now...and it just seems blah. I come home to play with it - but I have no one to show what cool things it can do. It's somewhat depressing. I don't like to be alone. Ever since I was a kid I'd always ask my Mom "hey come and watch me play video games!". Just the way I am, always liked to be around people. I think that's part of the reason this is so hard for me, and so "easy" for Alexis. She's basically been alone her whole life. I, of course, am the exact opposite in that regard. So getting home after the gym and just sitting around is lonely. Just another hurdle for me to clear.
After work I went to the gym and saw the ex there. I haven't seen her there in probably 6 weeks. I should switch my gym to somewhere else, but 1) it's only $10 a month and 2) I rarely see her there anymore. Is it really worth an extra $40 a month to not see her for MAYBE once or twice a month? Who knows. We just passed each other and gave sort of a half smile/sad face/nod. It is kind of weird. I want to initiate some sort of convo just so these gym run-ins aren't so weird, but I don't want to be the one to break the ice. Sure, I am curious as to how she is doing, but at the same time, what is the point? I don't want to be her friend. I know that for sure. Do I want to date her again? I would say 99.9% no. I can't 100% rule it out, otherwise I think I'd be in a way better place. But that 0.01% is what is killer. The idea of having what I had again.
I don't like to think that I am a vulnerable guy, but I think that part of the reason I am so crushed is that - I was so guarded at the begining. I held off forever to make sure she was of the same mind set I was. Once I accepted that, I sort of just opened up. Told her everything. I have no secrets, and whatever mysteries about me that my best friends don't know - she did. It was like I was dressed in full body armor, and once I hit that point of "ok, I'm all in", I dropped my guard. Took everything off and exposed my true self. To lose that person that was a part of me feels like I lost part of myself. I feel like I lost my best friend.
On to other happenings: Of course my internet was acting up again (I hate Comcast) so I had to call them to reset whatever it is that they reset. Obviously it is working as of now.
It's funny, I usually get excited for all things sports. The World Series is on and for the most part I watch that every year no matter who is involved. Monday Night Football is on and although it has no impact on my fantasy team, it is still fun to watch. This year is kind of just blah though. I miss trying to get her in to sports. She hated sports to begin with, but the more and more she watched with me, the more and more she began to see how fun they are.
My birthday is this Friday and I'll be 29. One year away from 30. Not really where I pictured myself when I was 18 - but who can really be that accurate at that point in life? I know I need to stop relating things to Alexis - but having her by my side for the holiday's last year was special. I can say it was easily the best holiday season I've ever had. And that is saying something considering my family is so close-knit. All part of the break up process I guess. I don't know if this is weird of not, but everytime I go somewhere or do something, I try and erase the fact that "the last time I did XYZ, I was with her". For instance, up until recently, the last time I had gone to Costco, I was with her. Now that I went by myself, no longer can I say "ugh, the last time I was here, I was with her". Kind of a VERY small mental victory I suppose.
I try and take the little things that make me happy and amplify them, but it is so hard. My phone for instance, I've been wanting it for months now...and it just seems blah. I come home to play with it - but I have no one to show what cool things it can do. It's somewhat depressing. I don't like to be alone. Ever since I was a kid I'd always ask my Mom "hey come and watch me play video games!". Just the way I am, always liked to be around people. I think that's part of the reason this is so hard for me, and so "easy" for Alexis. She's basically been alone her whole life. I, of course, am the exact opposite in that regard. So getting home after the gym and just sitting around is lonely. Just another hurdle for me to clear.
Sunday, October 31, 2010
The Ex...
I might as well explain everything that happened with my ex-girlfriend since that is what is bringing me down. This is going to be a long post, I want to get all the history out so if I reference it later, it'll all make sense.
It all started a few years back. I started working at Wells Fargo in February of 2006. I had never had a serious, legit relationship and really didn't know any better. I knew I wanted one, because I am not the type to just randomly hook up. Alexis was hired and started on my team in the summer of 2007. I was always attracted to her and we were very good friends at work. She came to me with questions about the job often and we talked a lot and were flirty, but nothing really more. There were a few things about her past that I didn't really agree with, and quite frankly, didn't think we had the same goals in life.
Fast forward to the summer of 2008. We had known each other for a year or so and in the earlier parts of the year - she and Tim were starting to get together. Tim decided that it wasn't in his best interests and they somewhat "broke up". Alexis kind of took me down with the ship since Tim and I were friends. I was sort of the innocent bystander, but in her eyes, somewhat of a cohort. Our team split up and split buildings in Columbia. Tim and I happened to stay together, and Alexis went back to our old building. That's when things really started to pick up between us.
She would constantly ask me to hang out - but I always managed to come up with an excuse. She somewhat intimidated me since she had lived alone since she was 18, had tattoos, and was her own woman. Meanwhile, I lived at home, had no debt, saved a ton and honestly, was pretty much oblivious to the "real world". Tim also "warned" me that the bars she hung out at were not for "us". Meaning, the more straight-edge, Miller Lite type guys. That kind of freaked me out for a bit too. (Turns out that was not the case, but at the time, how did I know?) The other big hang up for me was the fact that she lived in the city and if I were to go out and have a few drinks - I couldn't just up and drive an hour back to my parents house. So I would have to sleep at her place. Very much accelerating any sort of relationship.
For months we continued to flirt and she continued to ask me out. I somehow managed to evade any sort of commitment, but still maintain the flirty/friendship type relationship. I still liked her as a friend, but wasn't convinced we should be dating. Some time in November of 2008, I caved. We went out to dinner and a movie and it was fantastic. I spent the night at her place and everything was just fine. She didn't make any awkward advances to make me feel uncomfortable, and it didn't feel weird at all to stay over. The date could not have gone better, and honestly it just eased a lot of my concerns.
We went out about once a week for maybe a month or two. Honestly, I still wasn't 100% convinced she wanted a serious boyfriend, so I tried to take things REALLY slowly. This caused a lot of frustration from Alexis, and me too for that matter. But, looking back, I KNOW I was not ready to just jump in gung ho and not look back. Around January of 2009, we had our first "fight". I told her I couldn't keep going down the way we were going because A) Her past. Had she changed? Was that "her"? I still wasn't sure. B) The fling with Tim. Do you want to date someone your friend has dated? Not really. C) I didn't know what she REALLY wanted. That argument seemed to sort of reset things back to square one.
Looking back, although we were never "official", I considered us dating at that point. Like legitimate boyfriend and girlfriend. We still hung out a lot. I still slept over at her place a lot, although nothing ever happened between us during that time. We starting to hang out more and more and my feelings continued to grow, I just didn't know if that was what I wanted.
Another month or two went by and I was in Vail, CO on a ski trip. I ended up borderline tearing my MCL in my knee and was forced to sit on the couch for the remainder of the week. Alexis and I were still talking a lot - we were just both very confused. Well, fortunately, and unfortunately, something came up that brought us a lot closer.
A little background - she has never gotten along with her family, especially her Dad. I am ok with that, it stinks, but you don't HAVE to be friends with or love your family. Alexis got dealt a bad hand in regards to family in life, but she handled it better than I think I could have. She put herself through college and did everthing on her own after High School. That was a very big part of herself and I could not have had more respect for her for going through all of that. She would still talk to her siblings and Mom, but it only seemed like a formality for the most part.
When I was in Vail in March of 2009, her brother tried to take his life. He had just had a kid and was confused and thought that would be an easy way out. Alexis was distraught. She called me crying every day and I did my best to talk her through it. Of course, with her bad luck, she totaled her car while visiting her brother that weekend. This didn't help things at all as you can imagine. I felt like she was leaning on me more and more and needed that "go to" person. That's when things clicked for me. Before when it seemed like she was Ms. Independent, I didn't feel needed, that's why I was so slow and cautious to start a relationship. After those trying times for her and we talked basically all day, every day for a week, I felt like she was "ready" for a true relationship. Shortly thereafter, it was "official" and I never looked back.
I put trust in her even in situations that made me uneasy. I was constantly worried that she'd do something that I would disagree with, but never let her know that. I kept my jealously under wraps and never spoke a word of it, because I wanted her to think she still had her independent side. I didn't want her to think I was totally controlling or something. I'm not going to get in to any of the arguments we had, maybe later, instead I just want to skim over the rest of the relationship.
I had the time of my life. I fell head over heels and was madly in love with her. We were so different, yet deep down I felt like we were the same. I LOVED that aspect. I LOVED how different we were on a lot of things. She challenged me constantly and I could not get enough. She's very smart and VERY attractive. She has 1,000 qualities that I love. Getting to sleep in the same bed with her and fall asleep was flat out, the greatest feeling I've ever had in my entire life. We fit perfectly. There were/are SO many things, so many SMALL things, that I've never seen someone do that made my day so much. When we would make plans and she would want to hang out, I always thought to myself "oh my gosh, YES, I am so excited that she wants to spend time with me!!".
Obviously she is the first woman I have ever fallen in love with, but it seemed so much deeper than that. Marriage freaked both of us out, so it was never brought up. I don't think either of us had an exact clear view of what the other person wanted and that was totally fine. Sure it would need to be brought up at some time, but if we both didn't want it, why bother discussing it? I didn't view this as a relationship weakness, rather a strength since we were on the same page.
We skated along for pretty much another year and a half. Each day better than the last. The arguments became few and far between. I felt like I knew her, but she still surprised me a lot which I adored. She still had that little kid in her that melted my heart. We could sit on my couch and watch TV and I wouldn't want to be any other place in the world. Just being able to look in to her eyes and smile was the greatest privilege I've ever had. She just made me happy. I thought I had everything in this world that anyone could want. An incredible family and upbringing, great friends, $100k in the bank before I was 27, I drive a sweet car, I have funny hobbies, what else could I want? She trumped all of that. I went from being the most diehard Penn State football fan to it not mattering at all. I'd rather be with her than go to a game. She made all of those things better when she was there. My parents loved her. She is fascinating to talk to. She was everything I had ever wanted.
Sure we had our differences, some major, but it never seemed to matter. I always envisioned them working out through some sort of compromise. I never worried about the bad stuff because things have always panned out for me and why would this be different?
Out of the blue in late June, 2010, we broke up. I needed to run some errands and she came along. On the drive home - she broke down. She said she didn't know what she wanted from life, didn't know if we wanted the same things, didn't know this, didn't know that. This hit me like a ton of bricks. Imagine your best friend saying they don't want to talk to you again, but couldn't really give you a reason why? You want to talk about stuff and make it work - but their mind was already made up. How insignificant would you feel? How used would you feel? I felt like some science project she had been working on and the deadline had just hit. Some freak experiment, that in the end meant nothing to her. It hurts worse than anything I felt felt in my almost 29 years on this planet. It's been closing in on four months and I still think about her constantly. I haven't had a solid nights sleep in months, I'm forgetful, I'm not myself, I'm different. I don't like who I am right now. I want a girlfriend for sure, but I wanted HER. And right now, that's just not possible because apparently she doesn't want me. It's been a month and a half since I've even seen or heard from her and the whole thing is just bizarre. It's like it didn't even happen.
There are a million more stories about the relationship that I am sure I will get in to later, but I wanted to get all of that out. I miss her so much. I try to tell myself to get over it and my brain knows to do that and to head in the right directin, but my heart is light years behind. The thought of her, the image of her smiling face, the clumsiness, the relationship I thought we had....haunts me. I think about it dozens of times a day. Each and every time I try to think of things we disagreed on, but it doesn't seem to help. Sometimes I imagine some story-book ending, others (and mostly) I see it heading the way it is now - just off in to oblivion. Both hurt. Everything hurts. I feel like not only was I dumped, but I was just left at a bus stop while she drove away. It's not like she broke my heart, it's worse, it's her just looking me in the eye and dropping my heart in a trash can and turning her back. There are times where I almost wish she just cheated on me so I had SOMETHING to get angry about. Something to sink my teeth in to. But I have nothing. All I have is the "idea" that she doesn't want me. The "idea" that she went from what I thought was as in love with me as I was with her - to the exact opposite. The fact that she didn't even respect me enough to try and talk through it.
Bottom line is, it is four months later and I can't get her out of my head. Is another girl the answer? Doesn't seem like it. Is she the answer? Probably not. I don't think I could take her back because - how could I ever trust her to not put me through what she just put me through again? I have no idea. There are times I just want to see her and talk to her, but then there are times where I think that will just hurt even more. She meant the world to me and all of a sudden in one fell swoop, it's gone. My heart is broken and I think I still have a long road ahead of me. I'm trying, I really am, but I've never been more stressed in my life. Especially considering I've started a new job, with a terrible commute, and the holiday's are coming up. My birthday, Thanksgiving, Christmas - all of those were the first time I had spent them with someone I was in love with and I only got to do it for one year. I don't have that anymore this year and it is the worst feeling in the world. I don't want to be me right now. I want to just not exist for a few months, have someone run my life, and then hop back on board a few months from now when I can deal with my brain and heart on a daily basis. And to say something like that hurts. There are so many things I have going for me, but to have this huge gap open up is absolutely gut wrenching. All I can hope is that I see signs of improvement and go from there.
It all started a few years back. I started working at Wells Fargo in February of 2006. I had never had a serious, legit relationship and really didn't know any better. I knew I wanted one, because I am not the type to just randomly hook up. Alexis was hired and started on my team in the summer of 2007. I was always attracted to her and we were very good friends at work. She came to me with questions about the job often and we talked a lot and were flirty, but nothing really more. There were a few things about her past that I didn't really agree with, and quite frankly, didn't think we had the same goals in life.
Fast forward to the summer of 2008. We had known each other for a year or so and in the earlier parts of the year - she and Tim were starting to get together. Tim decided that it wasn't in his best interests and they somewhat "broke up". Alexis kind of took me down with the ship since Tim and I were friends. I was sort of the innocent bystander, but in her eyes, somewhat of a cohort. Our team split up and split buildings in Columbia. Tim and I happened to stay together, and Alexis went back to our old building. That's when things really started to pick up between us.
She would constantly ask me to hang out - but I always managed to come up with an excuse. She somewhat intimidated me since she had lived alone since she was 18, had tattoos, and was her own woman. Meanwhile, I lived at home, had no debt, saved a ton and honestly, was pretty much oblivious to the "real world". Tim also "warned" me that the bars she hung out at were not for "us". Meaning, the more straight-edge, Miller Lite type guys. That kind of freaked me out for a bit too. (Turns out that was not the case, but at the time, how did I know?) The other big hang up for me was the fact that she lived in the city and if I were to go out and have a few drinks - I couldn't just up and drive an hour back to my parents house. So I would have to sleep at her place. Very much accelerating any sort of relationship.
For months we continued to flirt and she continued to ask me out. I somehow managed to evade any sort of commitment, but still maintain the flirty/friendship type relationship. I still liked her as a friend, but wasn't convinced we should be dating. Some time in November of 2008, I caved. We went out to dinner and a movie and it was fantastic. I spent the night at her place and everything was just fine. She didn't make any awkward advances to make me feel uncomfortable, and it didn't feel weird at all to stay over. The date could not have gone better, and honestly it just eased a lot of my concerns.
We went out about once a week for maybe a month or two. Honestly, I still wasn't 100% convinced she wanted a serious boyfriend, so I tried to take things REALLY slowly. This caused a lot of frustration from Alexis, and me too for that matter. But, looking back, I KNOW I was not ready to just jump in gung ho and not look back. Around January of 2009, we had our first "fight". I told her I couldn't keep going down the way we were going because A) Her past. Had she changed? Was that "her"? I still wasn't sure. B) The fling with Tim. Do you want to date someone your friend has dated? Not really. C) I didn't know what she REALLY wanted. That argument seemed to sort of reset things back to square one.
Looking back, although we were never "official", I considered us dating at that point. Like legitimate boyfriend and girlfriend. We still hung out a lot. I still slept over at her place a lot, although nothing ever happened between us during that time. We starting to hang out more and more and my feelings continued to grow, I just didn't know if that was what I wanted.
Another month or two went by and I was in Vail, CO on a ski trip. I ended up borderline tearing my MCL in my knee and was forced to sit on the couch for the remainder of the week. Alexis and I were still talking a lot - we were just both very confused. Well, fortunately, and unfortunately, something came up that brought us a lot closer.
A little background - she has never gotten along with her family, especially her Dad. I am ok with that, it stinks, but you don't HAVE to be friends with or love your family. Alexis got dealt a bad hand in regards to family in life, but she handled it better than I think I could have. She put herself through college and did everthing on her own after High School. That was a very big part of herself and I could not have had more respect for her for going through all of that. She would still talk to her siblings and Mom, but it only seemed like a formality for the most part.
When I was in Vail in March of 2009, her brother tried to take his life. He had just had a kid and was confused and thought that would be an easy way out. Alexis was distraught. She called me crying every day and I did my best to talk her through it. Of course, with her bad luck, she totaled her car while visiting her brother that weekend. This didn't help things at all as you can imagine. I felt like she was leaning on me more and more and needed that "go to" person. That's when things clicked for me. Before when it seemed like she was Ms. Independent, I didn't feel needed, that's why I was so slow and cautious to start a relationship. After those trying times for her and we talked basically all day, every day for a week, I felt like she was "ready" for a true relationship. Shortly thereafter, it was "official" and I never looked back.
I put trust in her even in situations that made me uneasy. I was constantly worried that she'd do something that I would disagree with, but never let her know that. I kept my jealously under wraps and never spoke a word of it, because I wanted her to think she still had her independent side. I didn't want her to think I was totally controlling or something. I'm not going to get in to any of the arguments we had, maybe later, instead I just want to skim over the rest of the relationship.
I had the time of my life. I fell head over heels and was madly in love with her. We were so different, yet deep down I felt like we were the same. I LOVED that aspect. I LOVED how different we were on a lot of things. She challenged me constantly and I could not get enough. She's very smart and VERY attractive. She has 1,000 qualities that I love. Getting to sleep in the same bed with her and fall asleep was flat out, the greatest feeling I've ever had in my entire life. We fit perfectly. There were/are SO many things, so many SMALL things, that I've never seen someone do that made my day so much. When we would make plans and she would want to hang out, I always thought to myself "oh my gosh, YES, I am so excited that she wants to spend time with me!!".
Obviously she is the first woman I have ever fallen in love with, but it seemed so much deeper than that. Marriage freaked both of us out, so it was never brought up. I don't think either of us had an exact clear view of what the other person wanted and that was totally fine. Sure it would need to be brought up at some time, but if we both didn't want it, why bother discussing it? I didn't view this as a relationship weakness, rather a strength since we were on the same page.
We skated along for pretty much another year and a half. Each day better than the last. The arguments became few and far between. I felt like I knew her, but she still surprised me a lot which I adored. She still had that little kid in her that melted my heart. We could sit on my couch and watch TV and I wouldn't want to be any other place in the world. Just being able to look in to her eyes and smile was the greatest privilege I've ever had. She just made me happy. I thought I had everything in this world that anyone could want. An incredible family and upbringing, great friends, $100k in the bank before I was 27, I drive a sweet car, I have funny hobbies, what else could I want? She trumped all of that. I went from being the most diehard Penn State football fan to it not mattering at all. I'd rather be with her than go to a game. She made all of those things better when she was there. My parents loved her. She is fascinating to talk to. She was everything I had ever wanted.
Sure we had our differences, some major, but it never seemed to matter. I always envisioned them working out through some sort of compromise. I never worried about the bad stuff because things have always panned out for me and why would this be different?
Out of the blue in late June, 2010, we broke up. I needed to run some errands and she came along. On the drive home - she broke down. She said she didn't know what she wanted from life, didn't know if we wanted the same things, didn't know this, didn't know that. This hit me like a ton of bricks. Imagine your best friend saying they don't want to talk to you again, but couldn't really give you a reason why? You want to talk about stuff and make it work - but their mind was already made up. How insignificant would you feel? How used would you feel? I felt like some science project she had been working on and the deadline had just hit. Some freak experiment, that in the end meant nothing to her. It hurts worse than anything I felt felt in my almost 29 years on this planet. It's been closing in on four months and I still think about her constantly. I haven't had a solid nights sleep in months, I'm forgetful, I'm not myself, I'm different. I don't like who I am right now. I want a girlfriend for sure, but I wanted HER. And right now, that's just not possible because apparently she doesn't want me. It's been a month and a half since I've even seen or heard from her and the whole thing is just bizarre. It's like it didn't even happen.
There are a million more stories about the relationship that I am sure I will get in to later, but I wanted to get all of that out. I miss her so much. I try to tell myself to get over it and my brain knows to do that and to head in the right directin, but my heart is light years behind. The thought of her, the image of her smiling face, the clumsiness, the relationship I thought we had....haunts me. I think about it dozens of times a day. Each and every time I try to think of things we disagreed on, but it doesn't seem to help. Sometimes I imagine some story-book ending, others (and mostly) I see it heading the way it is now - just off in to oblivion. Both hurt. Everything hurts. I feel like not only was I dumped, but I was just left at a bus stop while she drove away. It's not like she broke my heart, it's worse, it's her just looking me in the eye and dropping my heart in a trash can and turning her back. There are times where I almost wish she just cheated on me so I had SOMETHING to get angry about. Something to sink my teeth in to. But I have nothing. All I have is the "idea" that she doesn't want me. The "idea" that she went from what I thought was as in love with me as I was with her - to the exact opposite. The fact that she didn't even respect me enough to try and talk through it.
Bottom line is, it is four months later and I can't get her out of my head. Is another girl the answer? Doesn't seem like it. Is she the answer? Probably not. I don't think I could take her back because - how could I ever trust her to not put me through what she just put me through again? I have no idea. There are times I just want to see her and talk to her, but then there are times where I think that will just hurt even more. She meant the world to me and all of a sudden in one fell swoop, it's gone. My heart is broken and I think I still have a long road ahead of me. I'm trying, I really am, but I've never been more stressed in my life. Especially considering I've started a new job, with a terrible commute, and the holiday's are coming up. My birthday, Thanksgiving, Christmas - all of those were the first time I had spent them with someone I was in love with and I only got to do it for one year. I don't have that anymore this year and it is the worst feeling in the world. I don't want to be me right now. I want to just not exist for a few months, have someone run my life, and then hop back on board a few months from now when I can deal with my brain and heart on a daily basis. And to say something like that hurts. There are so many things I have going for me, but to have this huge gap open up is absolutely gut wrenching. All I can hope is that I see signs of improvement and go from there.
Weekend festivities
Overall, I've had a pretty good last few days. Things are still hectic though and I still don't feel like myself. I forget things, I feel scatter-brained, I feel down, not funny, lonely, etc. All of these emotions are the exact opposite of how I generally think of myself.
Friday I met up with Tim from my old job for lunch since I was telecommuting. Friday night, Mike, Tim, and I went to see Jackass. It was pretty funny, but not as hilarious as everyone had hyped it up to be. We all had a good laugh and just came back home and went to sleep.
Saturday, Mike and I woke up early and drove to Owings Mills to meet up with Bowers, Arnold, and Salvi. We took two cars up to the Penn State game. Arnold couldn't make it last year because he was sick, so it was fun to be able to show him everything for the first time. Saturday night was fantastic because Penn State beat Michigan 41-31. We now have a three game win streak against UM, which was after our disasterous nine losses in a row to the Wolverines. It was a great game, and I am glad they were there to see it.
Today, I was supposed to upgrade my phone to the new HTC EVO, but of course - there was a problem. Sus upgraded Saturday but for whatever reason MY phone isn't available to upgrade until tomorrow. Even though we are on the same plan, with the same phone, and buying the same phone at the same time. Makes sense. So I guess I will do that tomorrow when I am at work, there is a Sprint store close.
Friday I met up with Tim from my old job for lunch since I was telecommuting. Friday night, Mike, Tim, and I went to see Jackass. It was pretty funny, but not as hilarious as everyone had hyped it up to be. We all had a good laugh and just came back home and went to sleep.
Saturday, Mike and I woke up early and drove to Owings Mills to meet up with Bowers, Arnold, and Salvi. We took two cars up to the Penn State game. Arnold couldn't make it last year because he was sick, so it was fun to be able to show him everything for the first time. Saturday night was fantastic because Penn State beat Michigan 41-31. We now have a three game win streak against UM, which was after our disasterous nine losses in a row to the Wolverines. It was a great game, and I am glad they were there to see it.
Today, I was supposed to upgrade my phone to the new HTC EVO, but of course - there was a problem. Sus upgraded Saturday but for whatever reason MY phone isn't available to upgrade until tomorrow. Even though we are on the same plan, with the same phone, and buying the same phone at the same time. Makes sense. So I guess I will do that tomorrow when I am at work, there is a Sprint store close.
Thursday, October 28, 2010
Introduction
So why start a blog? Isn't it cliche? Shouldn't I have started one years ago? Well, yea, probably, but there are several reasons why I am still starting one:
1) I've always wanted a place to keep sort of a journal because ultimately, I have a great life and I'd like to keep track of the finer details.
2) I'd like to improve my writing skills, and the best way to do that is to write more and more.
3) There is a lot going on in my life and it might help to get it all out of my system.
4) To be frank, I'm lonely and this is just another activity to take up my time.
Down the road, I want to start a different blog that has a funnier side to it. For now though, I will just stick with the "journal" type entries.
Guess I should start with some background info about myself in case I ever decide to make this public. I'm single, 28, live by myself near Baltimore, MD, and currently work in Falls Church, VA as a gov't contractor. Yes, the commute is atrocious, but we are moving to Ft. Meade, MD no later than March, 2011. I have an incredible support system of family and friends that I wouldn't trade for the world. Not many people can say they've been IN 10 weddings, two of which I was the Best Man. I've always gotten along with my parents, and my sister and I took two months to drive across the country five years ago. How many siblings can do that? All in all, I have an incredible life, but these last few months have really tested my limits of stress. We'll get to all that later.
Best Thing to Happen to Me Today:
My Mom came down to visit for lunch. I telecommute on Thursday's and Friday's, so I have a lot of flexibility within my job. We went to Jimmy John's and then came back to my apartment and hung out for a little bit before I had to jump on a conference call.
1) I've always wanted a place to keep sort of a journal because ultimately, I have a great life and I'd like to keep track of the finer details.
2) I'd like to improve my writing skills, and the best way to do that is to write more and more.
3) There is a lot going on in my life and it might help to get it all out of my system.
4) To be frank, I'm lonely and this is just another activity to take up my time.
Down the road, I want to start a different blog that has a funnier side to it. For now though, I will just stick with the "journal" type entries.
Guess I should start with some background info about myself in case I ever decide to make this public. I'm single, 28, live by myself near Baltimore, MD, and currently work in Falls Church, VA as a gov't contractor. Yes, the commute is atrocious, but we are moving to Ft. Meade, MD no later than March, 2011. I have an incredible support system of family and friends that I wouldn't trade for the world. Not many people can say they've been IN 10 weddings, two of which I was the Best Man. I've always gotten along with my parents, and my sister and I took two months to drive across the country five years ago. How many siblings can do that? All in all, I have an incredible life, but these last few months have really tested my limits of stress. We'll get to all that later.
Best Thing to Happen to Me Today:
My Mom came down to visit for lunch. I telecommute on Thursday's and Friday's, so I have a lot of flexibility within my job. We went to Jimmy John's and then came back to my apartment and hung out for a little bit before I had to jump on a conference call.
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